


the world would make sense

by acegently (jadedlemon)



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Background Relationships, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 13:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 23,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10945902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jadedlemon/pseuds/acegently
Summary: When Dirk Gently ropes him into the school musical, Todd isn't happy about it. But maybe Dirk's boundless enthusiasm for theatre, and for life in general, is contagious, because he's beginning to warm to the idea - and to the person. He's never seen someone so determined to put on a school show, and he's never met someone so eager (for reasons he can't understand) to befriend him.And his sister is trying to set them up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello again yall, this is what's been taking up my time for the past month and boy is it a relief to finally be able to post it~  
> this was written as part of the dghda beginner bang 2017, and goes hand in hand with [this](http://d4-ndy.tumblr.com/post/160867281583/happy-beginner-bang-yall-i-did-a-couple-of) art by the wonderful dandy!

Todd was not in the mood to deal with the school theatre group.

It wasn't that he hated them personally. They were probably decent people really. But he found that as a group they were overbearing, stuck up, and usually assholes. He vaguely knew a few of the younger members through his sister and from what he had seen, he wasn’t at all keen to get to know them.

He happened to be holding a drumstick when they entered the classroom, and it took a fair bit of restraint not to launch it at one of them.

“Excuse me, are you here for theatre?” Someone said, sounding dubious. Their voice was so full of falsified authority Todd almost backed down there and then. It took him a brief moment to remember that he had seniority over these kids.

“No, my band are using this room to practice,” He answered. Naively hoping they would leave him to it, he went back to setting up their instruments.

“Actually,” One of them grimaced in the most over-dramatic show of sympathy Todd had ever witnessed, “We’re using this room for our rehearsals.”

He stopped to raise an eyebrow at them. “Who says?”

“Mr Riggins. He's booked the room for us from now until the show. We’re free to use it whenever we like.”

“What? No,” Todd frowned, "He can't have. We've been here for weeks, it's the only room we can get all the equipment in.”

“Sorry,” They shrugged, looking entirely unapologetic, “Not much I can do. You'll have to sort something out with the teachers. We need the room now though –can you move your stuff?”

As much as that arrogant smirk got on his nerves, Todd wasn't about to start a fight with someone younger than him. He made sure to give them his best glare anyway as he grabbed his guitar and stalked out. They could deal with the rest of the equipment while he found his bandmates. He would leave them be for now, but he wouldn’t stick around to clear up for them.

“Sorry for the inconvenience!” A voice piped up as he shoved open the door, more genuine than anyone he'd heard so far. Todd paused just long enough to glance back. He had never seen the guy before but he looked around his age, though it was hard to tell. He had the kind of features that made him look young and innocent, a smile too bright for Todd’s current mood to handle, and an accent that definitely wasn’t American. He stood a little way apart from the group, standing out in all aspects, even his unnecessarily bright clothing.

Todd let the door slam in his face.

 

“Your dumb theatre group fucked up my band practice,” He complained to Amanda later that evening, slumped on their living room sofa beside her. She gave a questioning hum, prompting him to elaborate, “They kicked us out of the room because _apparently_ , ‘they have it until the show’.”

“They're talking shit,” Amanda snorted. “We don't even know if the show is happening yet.”

“Why wouldn't it happen?” He said, more for his sister’s sake than anything else. He wasn’t interested in the show, nor was he any good at pretending he was, but he felt he should put in at least a fragment of effort.

Amanda shrugged, tucking her legs under her as she shifted to face him. “We don't have enough guys who can sing. And the school doesn't want to fund some half-baked production.”

Todd had no idea how high school productions worked, but he suggested anyway, “Why don't you just pick some other musical?”

“Some ass already bought the rights to this one, and we don't have the budget to buy anything else.”

He nodded despite his disinterest, trying not to let it show on his face. “You're doing tech for them, right? Can you, like, talk to them about rooms?” Amanda shot him a glare, but he pressed on, “Come on, I really need this. The guys and I could actually make something of ourselves, but we need a room to practice without being interrupted by some stupid ass play.”

“Why don't you go talk to them yourself?” Amanda grumbled, turning away from him and folding her arms across her chest. When he didn’t respond right away, she kicked off the couch and left the room.

Todd didn’t bother calling after her. Whatever he had done wrong, she would forgive him by morning.

 

Taking Amanda’s advice – mainly because he couldn't see another option – Todd made his way back to the Performing Arts department, preparing to fight his own corner. He nudged open the classroom door, hoping to find Riggins without his theatre group, but was met with a seemingly empty room.

Just as he was about to back out, a familiarly accented voice said, “Can I help you with something?”

Todd opened the door further to find the guy from the day before perched on a table, swinging his legs. He was not the person Todd had hoped to encounter, but maybe he could point him in the right direction.

“I was looking for Riggins,” Todd answered.

He smiled, leaning forward. “Is it about the theatre group?”

“No. Well- kind of,” Todd shrugged, “I just want to get the rooms sorted. You heard yesterday.”

“Ah! Yes! I did hear yesterday,” He said, “I'm surprised you remember me!”

Todd frowned. He had met some strange people in his life, but this guy was something else. He stepped into the room, letting the door close behind him, “Of course I remember you. It was literally yesterday.”

“Yes, and you made quite the swift exit,” He gave him a look of disappointment, one exaggerated enough to remind Todd that he was one of the theatre kids. But something about his expressions made him seem much more genuine than the rest of his group. “It was really rather rude of you.”

“Yeah, well, your friends were rude to me first,” Todd countered, realizing even as he said it he sounded childish.

“Oh, they're not my friends,” The other boy laughed. “What's your name, by the way? Mine’s Dirk.”

“Todd,” He said. He didn’t have the energy for a conversation with Dirk; he suspected Dirk was the kind of person he would never have the energy for a conversation with. Shuffling his feet impatiently, he asked, “Look, do you know where Riggins is?”

“He should be here soon! We are supposed to be having a theatre group meeting. I'm just very early. Nothing better to do, you know how it is.”

Todd, unfortunately, did know how it was. He didn't exactly have any more exciting ways to pass the time himself. He wasn't about to let Dirk know that, though.

“I'll just come back later then, I guess.” He turned, making for the door.

As soon as his hand touched the handle, Dirk called after him, “Wait!”

Todd sighed. He shoved his hands in his pockets, turning over his shoulder to him. Dirk was smiling.

“Have you ever considered…” He paused, hands spread in front of him, leaning towards him as if conspiring on some secret, “Being in a musical.”

Todd almost walked straight out, but Dirk was looking at him with such enthusiasm he found he didn't want to let him down quite so harshly. “No,” He said instead, “It’s not my thing.”

“But you're in a band, aren't you? So, you can sing?”

“…Yes? I guess so.”

“Excellent! We need more singers!” Dirk clapped his hands, “You can let Riggins know when you find him.”

Todd stared at him blankly. “I'm not… I'm not joining your dumb musical.”

“Why not?” Dirk looked honestly confused. Todd felt equally so.

“Why would I?”

After a moment’s consideration, Dirk said, “Well, maybe if you helped us out, we could help you out with your practice room!”

“So, what, you're… bribing me to join you?”

Dirk frowned. “I mean… essentially?”

Todd couldn’t quite believe this was real. “I don't act,” He shook his head. “That's it. Bye, Dirk.”

“Hang on!” Dirk hopped down from the table, hurrying over to catch the door before he could open it. He was taller than Todd, which made it easier to stop his escape. “It's easy! You'll pick it up in no time. Please?”

Todd backed away from him, beginning to resent Dirk’s determination. “Why do you even care?”

“Because I really want to do this show!” Dirk’s eyes pleaded with him to listen. Todd took another step back. More serious now, Dirk moved towards him, continuing, “I don’t know if you noticed but I just moved to this school. This is the first chance I've ever had to do something like this. And I finish school this year, so it's going to be my last chance, too. And the show they've chosen is just perfect, and I would be really, _really_ upset if it had to be cancelled just because nobody else really wanted to do it.”

The term ‘puppy dog eyes’ sprang to mind as Todd looked at Dirk. He refused to fall for it.

His resolve didn't translate to his words. “I'll think about it,” He said weakly. “Can I leave now?”

“Why? Riggins will be here soon,” Dirk perked up so suddenly Todd wondered if his whole spiel had been an act. And if everything was an act, how much could he trust him?

He threw his hands up in defeat anyway, and took a seat.

 

It wasn't long before Riggins showed up. In the meantime, Todd killed time on his phone while Dirk single-handedly carried a conversation he was only half listening to.

He stood when the door opened. “Sir,” He jumped straight in, unwilling to spend any longer than he had to in the room. “Uh, I think there's been some issues with rooms. My band are supposed to have this room for practice…”

Riggins raised an eyebrow at him, placing a pile of papers on his desk, “I wasn't aware of this. Nothing was booked.”

“No, yeah, we spoke to the principal a while ago actually, she said she would organize it for us?”

Riggins pursed his lips, shaking his head, “Clearly she hasn't. I'm sorry, but we do need the room… Is there nowhere else you can practice?”

Todd ran a hand through his hair, “This is the only one we can get all the equipment in.”

“I see,” Riggins hummed.

“Todd's thinking about joining the theatre group, sir,” Dirk piped up from behind him, interrupting Riggins’ thoughts.

“Is that so?”

Todd withered under the expectant look the teacher cast him. “No, I- well, Dirk asked me to, but it's not really my kind of thing…”

“He can sing!” Dirk said. Todd cursed both Dirk for revealing it and himself for ever having admitted to it.

“We could really use a good singer,” Riggins said. He tapped his pen on the desk for a few moments before coming to a decision. “I’ll tell you what. If you'll help us out by at least auditioning, I'll see what I can do about sharing the room. How does twice a week sound? I'll make sure my kids don't use the room on those days.”

Todd glanced round at Dirk for an answer, and was given two thumbs up and a cheesy grin. He didn't know why he had expected help from him.

Unable to think of another option, he found himself agreeing.

 

“Oh, my god.”

Amanda stabbed her fork into her lunch, lifting a hand to her mouth to choke back laughter. She had found him sulking at a table, plopped herself down across from him and immediately interrogated him on the long face. Todd didn't mind – his bandmates were out somewhere, and it wasn't like he had any other friends to hang out with – but he was beginning to think he shouldn't have told her about the theatre group. Amanda certainly found his predicament hilarious.

Well, she would have found out eventually. He resigned himself to the teasing.

“What, so you just let them bribe you into auditioning?” She asked, still snickering.

Todd rolled his eyes, “That's what I said. Or, thought, anyway. But we really need the room, and I didn't see any other way out, and the British guy was just so fucking determined to get me to join – is he that annoying all the time? Because if so, I want out. Like, even more so than I already do. Can I just quit after the audition?”

“Absolutely not, if you're doing this, I am making you do it for real,” Amanda pointed her fork at him, “And if you mean Dirk, he's sweet. I haven't spoken to him much. He talks a lot – like, a _lot_ – but I have no idea who he's talking to most of the time.”

“He's weird,” Todd muttered. Amanda stretched across the table to slap his arm.

“Don't be a dick,” She scolded. Being told off by his kid sister wasn't unusual, but Todd glared at her for it anyway. “Honestly, though, give theatre a chance. Who knows, maybe you'll actually enjoy it.”

 

Auditions arrived far too soon, but Todd’s was at least over quickly. He put in minimal effort, in the hopes that they would reject him outright and spare him his life, but he didn’t want to deliberately mess up and embarrass himself even more. If he hadn’t succeeded in being terrible, that was a problem for another day.

As he left the audition room, someone called, “Todd!” He was already getting sick of that accent.

“Hey, Dirk,” He gave a brief nod when he found him sitting in a row of otherwise empty chairs, the same chairs Todd himself had sat on while waiting to be called for his audition. “Good luck.”

“Wait, wait!” Dirk flailed, jumping to his feet to stop Todd. “How did it go?”

Todd took a moment to look at him. Dirk was practically shaking, buzzing with nervous energy, drumming his fingers against his sides even as he grinned brightly at him. Todd couldn't tell if he was anxious or just overly excited. He gave a soft huff and sat down, which was enough to make Dirk’s eyes light up; he took his seat beside him.

“Alright, I guess,” Todd shrugged. “You ready for yours?”

“Absolutely!” Dirk chimed, “Or, well. As ready as I'll ever be? Which is, in all honesty, not very ready at all.”

Todd laughed a little, leaning an elbow on the back of the seat, “I'm sure you'll do fine. You've got the enthusiasm, at least.”

“Exactly,” Dirk’s lips quirked smugly, “That's all they need.” After a beat, Todd desperately trying to think of something else to say, he added, “What do you think of the play?”

“It's…” Todd’s mind blanked. He had learned the audition song, read the section of the script he had to perform, but other than that paid very little attention to the musical itself. “What's it called again?”

Dirk frowned slightly, but only briefly. He mimed the words as if imagining them on a neon sign in front of him. “ _Bare: A Pop Opera_. As opposed to _Bare: the Rock Musical_ , which is a slightly different version of the same show. Or maybe just a different name for it, I was never sure.”

Todd had heard of a few musicals through Amanda, mostly the basics. This was not one of them. “What's it about?”

“Basically,” Dirk twisted in his seat, talking with his hands, “It’s a tragic tale of two young men – our age, actually – attending a very religious school. But they have a secret.” He leaned in. “They're in love.”

That piqued his interest, to his surprise. “Huh. Isn't it unusual for a school to put on a production like that? I mean, most people just like to ignore that these issues exist.”

“Yes! You're right!” Dirk’s excitement only grew with each word Todd said; Todd wasn’t used to anyone being so invested in what he had to say. “You get it! I already told you it was perfect. This is why, you see, Todd? This is a huge step forward in the ongoing fight against homophobia.”

Todd wasn't sure it was anywhere near as important as Dirk was making it out to be. He nodded anyway.

Dirk was still talking. “We may be but a small high school in Seattle, but every little helps. Soon the whole state will be joining the battle, and then all of America, and then _maybe_ the whole _world!_ ”

Todd didn’t get a chance to point out how much he was exaggerating. Dirk’s tirade was interrupted by Riggins, peering out of the room. “Ready, Dirk?”

Dirk’s eyes widened. He glanced back at Todd, steeled himself, and stood. “Ready. I'll see you later, Todd.”

“Good luck,” Todd said again as the door closed between them.

 

It took a week for the cast to be announced. Todd had almost forgotten to worry about it by the time the list was posted on the department wall. Riggins had, as promised, organized for his band to have the room for practice twice a week, and they had been making the most of the time they had.

Even when the list was finally up, it took him a day to work up the nerve to check it.

The first thing he saw was Dirk’s name, top of the list, beside a character named Peter. The second thing he saw was Dirk himself, wandering over with his hands in his pockets and a smile on his face.

“You got the lead?” Todd asked, returning the smile with a half-hearted one of his own.

Dirk nodded. “I did,” He said, “And you got a part, I see.”

“I haven't even looked yet,” Todd admitted, though his heart sank at the news. He scanned the list and found his name by the words ‘Lucas Carter’. “Is that a big part?”

Dirk pursed his lips and shook his head. “One or two songs, I think. Why? Are you disappointed?”

“No, I'm glad, actually. I didn't want a big part.” He didn't want a part at all, but there was no need to be an asshole to Dirk, who was so excited about the show. Dirk was still hovering beside him, showing no signs of leaving any time soon. Todd shot him a curious look, “Do you just hang around this corridor all the time? Don't you have friends to eat with? Every time I've been down here, I see you.”

Dirk’s smile faded. He opened his mouth, hesitated, and then gestured to the cast list. “You didn't finish reading the list. You got understudy for the other main character, Jason.”

He was right, Todd noticed. _Great._ This just kept getting better. At least he was only the understudy. Hopefully he wouldn't have to stand in.

It wasn't until later, when he was home, that he realized – on the off chance he _did_ have to stand in – it would be as a romantic lead opposite none other than Dirk Gently.


	2. Chapter 2

Dirk was undeniably the most enthusiastic person in the theatre group.

Even the guy playing the other lead – the one Todd was understudy for – seemed reluctant. Probably more so than the rest of the cast. Dirk had introduced him as Hugo Friedkin during his sweep of the group – he had known every single name, despite the fact that not many people seemed to know his.

Rehearsals were surprisingly manageable. The fact that the room had been booked for every day of the week alarmed Todd; he didn't have any other commitments beside his band, but he didn’t want to spend his whole life on something he hadn't wanted to do in the first place. His relief was palpable when Riggins clarified they were only expected to meet on a Tuesday after school.

Dirk followed him like a puppy any time he set foot in the corridor, although Todd had no idea why. He drew the line at letting him into his band practices, but he was reluctant to push him away. Maybe it was because he felt just as out of place as Dirk – not that he wanted to put himself in the same isolated category, but Amanda spent most of her time with Farah, and theatre kids were not the kind of people Todd considered potential friends. He kept to himself mostly, but he couldn't quite shake Dirk’s constant presence.

“I think Friedkin got the part as a favour from Riggins,” Dirk whispered in his ear rather too loudly during their first read-through of the script. Todd had pretended not to hear him, not eager to involve himself in any petty discourse, but he was probably right. About that part, anyway – not about his next sentence. “Really, it should have been you.”

 

Dealing with Dirk for an hour a week was easy enough. After every rehearsal, Todd looked forward to knowing he didn't have to think about theatre (or Dirk) until the next week.

It was lunch time, the Friday after their second rehearsal, when Todd pushed open the door to a stairwell to find Dirk sitting there alone.

After a moment – in which he considered turning around to take a different set of stairs before Dirk noticed him – he sighed and said, “Hey.”

Dirk looked up sharply from his food. His face lit up. “Todd! Good morning. No, wait. Good afternoon!”

Todd moved to lean on the railing beside him. “You’re not in the drama classroom for once?”

“Well, I can't spend all of my time there,” Dirk scoffed. Todd raised an eyebrow – he had assumed that was exactly what he did.

“Alright… why don't you sit in the lunch hall?” He suspected he knew the answer, but asked anyway, “Don't you have friends to hang with?”

“I could ask you the same question,” Dirk said, pointing an accusing finger at his chest. “You seem to be wandering aimlessly around the school to kill time until class, because you, like me, don't have a table in the lunch hall, nor do you have friends to eat lunch with at a table in the lunch hall.”

Todd would have been annoyed, if Dirk hadn't been absolutely right. He sighed again and sat himself down on the step beside Dirk.

Dirk picked at his lunch for a while, before breaking the silence with a drawn out, “So…” He took a moment to think, then turned to Todd with a smile, “Aren't you glad I convinced you to join theatre?”

Todd was not glad. It was hell.

He shrugged. “It's alright.”

He held back the truth, but Dirk still looked offended. “Alright?” He gave a disbelieving laugh, “It’s much better than alright, Todd. Perhaps you just haven't had time to become accustomed to it yet. I'm sure in the months to come, you will learn to love theatre as much as the rest of us.”

Todd was tempted to point out that Dirk was the only one who loved theatre quite so much, but held his tongue.

 

Amanda threw herself onto the sofa, dropping a bag of chips beside her. “Hey, loser,” She greeted Todd, gesturing to the door, “You’ve met my girlfriend.”

Startled, Todd glanced up at the doorway to find a girl hovering there. He had met her; he had not known she and Amanda were dating. The girl forced a smile. “Uh, hey! I’m Farah,” She held out a hand. Todd was too far away to shake it, so he stared blankly at it instead. Farah dropped her arm awkwardly, brushed her hands over her sides, and cleared her throat.

“Don’t mind him, he’s an ass,” Amanda waved Farah in, pulling her onto the sofa when she was close enough to reach.

“So, uh… you’re in the theatre group, right?” Farah asked; it took Todd a moment to realize she was talking to him.

“Oh, um, yeah,” He said, “Actually, I didn’t _mean_ to be, it was kind of an accident.”

Farah raised an eyebrow, “An… an accident?” Todd realized how stupid that had sounded.

“Yeah. I mean, I needed to sort something out, and I ended up talking to Dirk and Riggins and basically, now I’m in a musical because of Dirk Gently.”

Beside her, Amanda was smirking. “Dirk sure seems to like you.”

Todd glared at his sister. “I hadn’t noticed,” He said bluntly.

“Sure,” Amanda said, clearly disbelieving, “You know, I can see you two getting on well. Maybe you should put in a bit of effort to… get to know him.” She wiggled her eyebrows. It suddenly hit Todd what she was suggesting. He choked on his drink.

“I- I don’t know where you’re getting that idea,” He spluttered. Amanda rolled her eyes.

“Come on. Friedkin’s an asshole, so _you’re_ going to end up helping Dirk with his musical stuff. And he’s sweet, and attractive, and you haven’t been in a relationship since that one-day thing with Katie from your math class.” He wasn’t pleased that Amanda had brought that particular fling up in front of Farah, but she was still talking, leaving him unable to get a word in. “We can go on double dates! It’ll be great.”

“You are getting far too ahead of yourself,” Farah said, but she was smiling fondly. Todd was glad she was on his side anyway.

“Exactly. I don’t even like Dirk,” He said. Both girls’ eyes widened, snapping to face him. He hurriedly added, “I mean… not like _that_ anyway.”

Amanda snorted, muttering something that sounded like _‘yeah, right_ ’. Todd wrestled a cushion from underneath him and launched it at her.

 

When he showed up to rehearsals the following week, much to his horror, Friedkin was nowhere to be seen.

Riggins sighed as if he had been expecting it. “Todd,” He began, and Todd considered making a break for it. “Would you go with Dirk to learn this song? Obviously, it should be Hugo, but it would be great if you could stand in for now. We’ll catch you up on chorus stuff later.”

Reluctantly, he followed the musical director along the corridor, Dirk bouncing along beside him. “Hurry up, Todd,” Dirk said, though he was hardly a step ahead. He reached back, his fingers brushing Todd’s wrist – but he quickly thought better of it and dropped his hand. Todd pulled his own hand closer to his side.

“I think I know the first part,” Dirk announced as they stood around the piano. “I’ve been listening to the soundtrack.”

The musical director looked up at him and nodded. “Alright, I’ll play it through. Sing what you can.” She took a seat at the piano and started playing.

Todd hadn’t put much thought to the fact that Dirk would be at least a decent singer. As it turned out, he was far better than decent. He closed his eyes as he sang, eyelashes fluttering, the song’s emotion translating through the lilt of his voice, the slight crease of his eyebrows. Folding his arms across the piano, Todd rested his cheek on his hand and watched.

Amanda’s words came to mind. _He’s sweet, and attractive._ And, it turned out, talented.

He pushed all thoughts to the side, just letting himself listen.

It took a moment to realize Dirk’s eyes had opened, and the music had stopped, and both Dirk and the director were looking at him.

“Uh,” He started, straightening, “I don’t know the song yet.”

“That’s fine,” The director nodded, “That’s why we’re here. Let’s start from the beginning.”

It was difficult to focus on singing his own lines with Dirk in the room.

 

Even as he sat on a desk, tuning his guitar, he found himself humming the musical’s soundtrack.

“Todd, come on, man,” His bandmate said, “Focus. You’ve been at that for ages now.”

“Sorry,” Todd cleared his throat, “I’ve just… got some stuff on my mind.” ‘Stuff’, in this case, meant theatre and Dirk, both of which had been on his mind most of the week. Monday had rolled around again, which meant rehearsal was not far away, which meant he was unwillingly spending every waking moment either thinking about it, or trying not to think about it.

Vic snorted. “You wanna tell us what’s going on?”

Todd hesitated, fumbling for words. He hadn’t told the band about the whole theatre situation, and he didn’t really want to do so now. Even if he did owe them an explanation for his absent-mindedness, he was not looking forward to giving one. “Just some stuff to do with Amanda,” He lied.

They seemed to accept this explanation without question, but moments later, one of them straightened and turned to him. “The hell are you humming? You trying to take the band in a new direction or what?”

He hadn’t even noticed he had still been humming; that damned soundtrack wouldn’t get out of his mind. “No, it’s…” He began, but for once, a convincing lie escaped him. “It’s the school show. I got roped into doing it.”

Three dubious raised eyebrows stared back at him. “You serious?”

Todd averted his gaze. “Yeah,” He shrugged, fiddling with his guitar, “It’s not actually as bad as it sounds.”

Someone laughed. Todd didn’t look up to find out who. “I can’t believe this, man. You’re gonna quit, right?”

“No,” Todd said, and it was the truth; he hadn’t realized it until he said it aloud, but he didn’t want to quit quite so strongly anymore. “I mean, I can’t just let them down.” Really, he said that with Dirk in mind – part of him suspected that if Dirk wasn’t involved, if Dirk wasn’t quite so clingy and quite so passionate, he would have no qualms about letting the rest of them down.

“What, but you can let us down instead?”

Todd glanced up sharply. “What?”

“Is this why you skipped practice last week? Because of the school show?”

Honestly, he had forgotten he had skipped. Band practice had slipped his mind entirely until the school day ended, at which point he had decided he couldn’t be bothered and went home instead. But if theatre would serve as a more valid excuse, he would use it. “Yeah, I guess.”

“What the fuck, man.”

Vic was shaking his head, turning away from him with a scowl. Anger flared in Todd’s chest.

“Look, I do more for this band than any of you do,” He snapped, taking a moment to place his guitar carefully on the desk before he did something stupid. “You don’t get to bitch at me just because I missed _one_ rehearsal.”

Vic whirled on him. “You think _you_ do everything around here? You don’t do _shit!_ ”

“Vic…” Ross tried, but even Todd could tell it was half-hearted.

“No, I’m not just gonna let him get away with everything anymore!” Vic yelled, then addressed Todd again, “If you care more about your fucking musical, why don’t you go hang around with them instead? ‘Cause right now, we sure as hell don’t want you here.”

Todd froze, glanced around the faces in the room. Ross and Kidder avoided his gaze.

Nobody said anything to stop him as he stormed out.

 

His bad mood carried with him to the following day. It still hadn’t faded even as he sat at a desk in the same room, tapping a pencil viciously against the wood. Amanda had been steering well clear of him since he had arrived home and slammed the door in her face. Even Farah had taken one look at him and swerved on her heel. He had seriously considered skipping rehearsals – if his band hated him, what did it matter if the only other people he had regular contact with did too? But even if he didn’t really want to interact with anyone, it might be better than sulking alone in the house. Maybe.

“Good day, Todd!”

Todd squeezed his eyes closed, as if being unable to see Dirk would stop him sitting beside him. It didn’t.

“How was your day today? Oh, and yesterday? And the rest of the week, in fact, how was your week? That’s a better question. And… you have answered none of them. Are you feeling okay? You look like you’re in pain, is it a headache? I could get you painkillers-”

_“Dirk.”_

His voice came out harsher than he expected. Dirk fell silent. Todd didn’t dare look at his face; he pressed his fingers to the bridge of his nose instead. “Just… shut up.”

“Oh,” Dirk replied quietly. The room felt heavier than it had a moment ago.

When Todd finally took his hands away from his face, Dirk was gone.

_Fine,_ Todd thought, _I don’t care._

From across the room, he felt eyes burning into his skull. Turning, he found Amanda glaring daggers at him, while Dirk hovered by Farah’s side. He turned away again.

It was best they knew he was an asshole. Todd had accepted it long ago. Acting like a dick, letting people down, upsetting people – it was just what he did. The sooner his bandmates –  the sooner Amanda – the sooner _Dirk_ learned that, the less trouble it would cause it the long run.

He twisted the pencil in his hand until it snapped.

Someone tapped his shoulder.

His head whipped up, but his fire died out a little when he saw Dirk’s face peering down at him –wide blue eyes either wet with tears or just shining in the light, lips in a pathetic pout. “Are you… mad at me?”

“I don’t know what I am at you,” He said, unsure where the words came from. But they were true enough. It wasn’t Dirk’s fault that he was an asshole.

Dirk swallowed, nodded, and sat down again. “Did something happen? Amanda said something probably happened yesterday, because – and I quote – ‘he’s been a shithead since he got home’, but she said you wouldn’t talk about what it was.”

Half of the splintered pencil rolled across the table with the force of Todd’s sigh. Dirk reached out, caught it nimbly between long fingers.

“I told my band about me doing theatre, and they didn’t take it great.”

“Why? What’s their problem?”

Todd shrugged, “It was just an argument, Dirk. Leave it.”

He didn’t want or need the shattered remains of his pencil, but Dirk pressed it into his hand anyway before returning to Amanda.

Whatever ideas his sister had had about him and Dirk, he hoped she realized now how much Dirk deserved someone better.


	3. Chapter 3

“Did you apologise to Dirk yet?” Amanda gave him a pointed look. It actually made him feel a little guilty.

“No, I didn’t. Why do I have to apologise?”

“Because you were an ass to him,” She said, “And he likes you, and he doesn’t deserve to think he did something wrong when it was all on you. Luckily for you, I happen to be the greatest sister, and also the greatest wingman, and I’m willing to help you make it up to him.”

Choosing to ignore her wingman comment, Todd raised an eyebrow at her. “How?”

“We,” She smiled, mischief lighting her eyes, “Are going bowling.”

 

Left to his own devices, Todd probably would never have considered hanging out with Dirk outside of school. Their talks in stairwells had become a regular occurrence – he would say it was a coincidence, just to avoid admitting to wandering the stairs in the hopes of finding Dirk there – but they hadn’t seen each other since that week’s rehearsal, and Todd’s sense of guilt was only growing.

But Dirk seemed to have moved past it, or was at least pretending. Todd needn’t have worried about seeing him again; when he joined them outside the bowling alley, he beamed with his usual enthusiasm the moment he met his gaze.

“Hey Dirk!” Amanda chimed, and Farah followed with her own greeting.

Dirk was practically bouncing on his heels. “Hello Amanda, Farah. Hello, Todd. This is all very exciting, I’ve never been bowling with friends before.”

For all he had worried until now about being unable to enjoy their day out, Dirk’s cheerfulness made it easy for Todd to forget any awkwardness between them. Inside, the lights were dimmed, neon signs flashing at them while small television screens lined the walls with barely audible music videos. Families chattered over the sounds of arcade games and the echoes of falling pins. Every detail fascinated Dirk.

It was apparent as soon as they reached the alley that Dirk was very inexperienced – Todd went first to demonstrate, and even then Dirk couldn’t fathom how to hold the bowling balls.

“Goodness, it’s heavy,” He exclaimed as he tried and failed to lift one. Lips tugging into a smile, Todd handed him a lighter ball. Dirk examined it with a confused crease to his brow. “So I just… uh… here?”

“Like this,” Todd reached out, placing a hand on top of Dirk’s; it was only there long enough to guide his fingers into place, but it left his palm tingling afterwards. And if that was a wolf whistle he had heard from Amanda, he was making a point of ignoring it.

“Okay!” Dirk prepared himself, tongue poking out from between his lips, and took the shot. The pins scattered, and by the end of his turn only three were left standing. Dirk jumped, pumping his fists, whirling round to Amanda and Farah. “Did you see that?! Was that good?”

“You did great, Dirk,” Farah clapped him on the shoulder as she went to take her turn. Todd joined Dirk as he sat down to wait, clearly still celebrating.

He couldn’t help but watch him. Dirk’s cheeks were slightly flushed, dimpled in a wide grin as he swung his legs, and something about it brought a genuine warmth to Todd’s chest. When Dirk’s eyes met his and his eyebrows raised, Todd realised he had been smiling.

“What?” Dirk asked, “Why are you smiling?”

“No, I just…” Todd laughed, “It’s nothing.”

He spotted Amanda eying them up as she swapped places with Farah, and while Dirk wasn’t looking, he flipped her off.

 

Amanda spent most of the day with Farah’s arm around her, head on her shoulder, and more than once Todd found himself wondering what it would be like to be so affectionate with someone. That someone tended to be Dirk – but that was just because he was the only available person there.

And possibly because Dirk kept touching him – a hand lightly on his arm while he spoke, an awkward high-five when Todd got a strike, fingertips brushing the small of his back and breath tickling his ear as he peered over his shoulder. It was enough to make him shiver. He didn’t stop him.

Farah had leaned closer to Amanda, whispered something in her ear, and now both of them were trying too obviously not to laugh. Dirk’s turn was almost over when Farah stood. “I’m just going to run to the toilet – I’ll be right back. Wait for me.” Barely a moment later, Amanda announced she was going with her.

Their sudden double disappearance right as Farah’s turn came up seemed suspicious. Dirk sat beside him, drumming his fingers on his knees. “So… looks like it’s just you and me.”

“Yeah…” Todd’s voice came out as a croak; he cleared his throat. “Uh, we need to wait on them coming back. I guess we shouldn’t take their turns for them.”

“No, that wouldn’t be fair.” Dirk gave a small nod. He glanced around the room, one way and then the other. It seemed to Todd that he was avoiding looking at him – the atmosphere suddenly felt a lot heavier now that they were alone, and Todd couldn’t say he wasn’t avoiding his gaze right back.

Now that he had no bowling to distract himself, he couldn’t stop thinking about their last rehearsal, his rudeness, Dirk’s reaction.

Maybe he should say something.

It took him a while to work up the courage, gather the words. “Dirk…”

But as he opened his mouth, Dirk opened his. “Listen, Todd, I…” He cut off, finally meeting his eye, “Oh, you go first.”

“No, it’s… it’s fine, you go.” Todd knew he was deliberately postponing having to say his own part, but he couldn’t regret seizing the opportunity of a few minutes longer to think it through.

“Okay, well, I just wanted to say – I think I might have done something to upset you, and I’m sorry for whatever it was. I want you to know that I never meant to make you angry. If there’s anything I can do from now on to avoid doing it again, I would appreciate you letting me know.”

It took him a moment to realise what was happening. “What? No, Dirk, that’s not… it’s not you who needs to apologise.” He shuffled along the seat until he was right beside Dirk, close enough for their knees to brush. “I was mad, and I took it out on you. I didn’t mean to. It wasn’t your fault.”

He saw Dirk swallow, saw him lick his lips. “R-Right. Good. That’s… good.”

His voice was breathy, loud enough for only Todd’s ears. But over the ambient sounds, for a moment, Dirk was all he could hear.

Until he heard the saxophone, and jolted sharply away from him with heat rushing his cheeks.

“Is that…” He began, looking around wildly.

Dirk looked equally red, though Todd couldn’t be sure in the dim lighting. “Careless Whisper?” He said with an uneasy laugh.

Todd managed to catch a glimpse of Amanda just as she and Farah left the proximity of a jukebox. Amanda looked over at him, and her face dropped in disappointment when she saw him looking back; she made a series of gestures that Todd was entirely unable to interpret, but that almost definitely involved Dirk.

 

Amanda cornered him as they left, Farah and Dirk walking a few paces ahead of them, and punched his arm. “Why didn’t you take the chance we gave you, doofus?”

He knew exactly what she was talking about, but played dumb anyway. “What chance?”

“To kiss Dirk, duh,” She said far too loudly. It sent a brief jolt of panic through Todd’s stomach, but Dirk hadn’t heard; he was gesturing animatedly as he narrated some wild tale to a perplexed-looking Farah.

_“Amanda,”_ He hissed, “Keep your voice down. I don’t – I don’t _like_ him like that.”

Amanda’s blank stare lasted long enough to make him uncomfortable. “Come on, Todd. You quite clearly do.”

“Seriously? What makes you think you know how I feel better than I do?”

She rolled her eyes, looking far too smug. “You’re in denial, but I can see it quite clearly. I’ve seen the looks. You’ve even become an active part of the theatre group – who, let me remind you, you hated with every fibre of your soul until you met Dirk – and it’s all because of him.”

“You’re-” Todd shook his head, “You’re just making shit up. You want us to get together for whatever reason so you’re making up signs that aren’t there.”

Folding her arms across her chest, Amanda sighed. “Fine. You keep telling yourself that. But don’t try to pretend you _weren’t_ about to kiss him in that bowling alley.”

Before he could correct her – he absolutely, categorically had not been planning to do that, and had the thought crossed his mind he would never have admitted it – she had hurried off to catch up with the others, leaving Todd to drop the issue and do the same.

 

“Alright, Dirk and Hugo – where is Friedkin?” Riggins heaved a sigh as he looked around at a sea of blank faces, “Idiot… Todd, we’ll work with you instead. I have a rehearsal schedule and I’m damn well sticking to it. You two, with me, we’re going to block out the second number.”

The second number, it turned out, coincided with the first kiss of the musical. Todd spent most of the rehearsal dreading it.

“Okay, Todd, for this line I want you to approach Dirk, hands on his arms – you could look a lot less awkward, you’re supposed to be together, you’re going to have to get over this eventually – lean forwards a little, or, uh, upwards, in your case, you’re a bit shorter than him – and once you’ve sang the line, kiss him.”

Todd jerked backwards, dropping his hands. “I- what?” Looking back at Dirk, from his eyes to his lips and back again, all he could manage was, “Uh…”

Riggins quirked an eyebrow, unimpressed. “You don’t have to do it today. Just know that’s what’s happening, and you will have to get to that point eventually, especially if Friedkin keeps skipping rehearsals.”

“Right, no, obviously…” Todd said, trying to stop his mind from reeling down a path he really would rather not let it travel, especially with Dirk right beside him and the scene extras’ eyes surrounding him.

Dirk was giving him a small smile, amusement twinkling in his eyes, though he looked equally as awkward. It seemed Todd might eventually find out what it’s like to kiss him, one way or the other.

He really hoped Friedkin got his act together before it came to that.

 

During another of his walks through stairwells – which by sheer coincidence happened to be the very same stairwell Dirk was spending his lunch hour in – Todd encountered more than he had bargained for.

Dirk was there, of course – that was the first thing Todd noticed – but he was standing with his back to the railing, hands clenched around it. Something was off; he looked not quite afraid, but certainly uncomfortable.

In front of him stood Hugo Friedkin. At risk of sounding hypocritical, Todd had deemed Friedkin an asshole extraordinaire, and would have rather not had any contact with him. He would have turned on his heel, had it not been for Dirk’s expression.

If Friedkin had realised Dirk didn’t want him there, he didn’t show it. “So can you just, like, tell me the stuff I’m missing? It’s just so _dull_ going every week, but I can get away with it because they’re not going to replace me, they owe me, and I’m far better than that other guy, you know?”

“They could easily replace you,” Dirk said, far quieter but with as much bite as he could muster. “Maybe you should try actually going to rehearsal, like everyone else has to.”

Friedkin laughed, as if he found the idea genuinely hilarious. “That’s funny. I’m not going to, though. I mean, not everyone has nothing better to do with their lives. I know you don’t have any friends, so you spend all of your time on a stupid musical. But you see, that’s the difference between me and you.” He paused, considered this, and amended, “Well, there are a lot of differences. But that’s one of them.”

Dirk had shrunk away, pressing himself further against the railing. Todd couldn’t stand back and watch any longer. “Hey,” He said, letting the door swing closed behind him, “Maybe you should leave him alone.”

Friedkin’s brow furrowed in confusion. “I’m just talking to him,” He said, “You’re that guy, right? Was it Tom?”

_“Todd_ ,” Dirk breathed, whether in correcting Friedkin or just out of relief to see him he wasn’t sure.

“Look, maybe you’re just too stupid to realise that everything you just said was an insult,” Todd walked towards them, placing himself strategically between them, trying to subtly stand on his tiptoes to bring himself closer to Friedkin’s eye level. “But I think it’s best if you go hang out with all these friends you have, and I’ll hang out with mine right here.”

“…Fine, whatever,” Friedkin shrugged. He didn’t look at all put off. Todd tried to raise the intimidation levels of his glare. “See you, Dirk.”

As the door settled in the wake of Friedkin’s exit, Todd glanced up at Dirk, who had drifted away from the railing and was hovering by his shoulder. “Did you…” He began, his expression detailing his search for the right words, “Did you just call me your friend?”

Todd huffed a fond laugh. “Yeah. I guess I did.”

Dirk barely suppressed a smile. He moved down a step, sat on the stairs. Todd did the same.

“I, uh…” Dirk began, softer now, “I should thank you.” When Todd raised an eyebrow at him, he added, “For helping me out there. Friedkin can be… well. You heard him, I assume.”

“I did,” Todd confirmed. With a newfound spark of determination, a wave of protectiveness he had only ever felt for Amanda, he held Dirk’s gaze. “He’s wrong, you know. About you. You’re…” He swallowed, almost looked away but stopped himself. If the eyes were meant to be the windows to the soul, maybe he could get across that way what he couldn’t in words. “You’re a good guy. You don’t deserve any of that crap.”

It wasn’t enough. He could never say enough. But Dirk was looking at him like he had just handed him the stars.

But then the smile fell from his lips, and Todd’s first thought was that it was his fault, even if he couldn’t think what he had said wrong. Dirk just looked sad now. It made Todd want to protect him even more.

“I should…” Dirk drew in a shaky breath, “I should go. I’ll see you later, Todd.” He stood, half-running towards the door. Before Todd could think anything through, he was following him.

He called his name, caught his arm. Dirk stopped, allowing Todd to turn him around. His gaze flitted down to Todd’s hand on his arm, then over Todd’s face, focusing somewhere that wasn’t quite his eyes. His brow knotted.

Todd wasn’t sure following him had been the right decision. “Are you okay?”

“I’m…” Dirk’s lips parted, quivering slightly. He lifted a hand, as though entirely unsure what to do with it, but let it drift towards Todd. Todd could imagine his fingers brushing his cheek, and almost closed his eyes. But Dirk clenched his hand, stopped it, then patted his shoulder instead. “I’m fine. Thank you, Todd.”

Todd watched him go, and refused to admit that part of him was disappointed.


	4. Chapter 4

Every touch replayed itself constantly in Todd’s mind.

Dirk almost taking him by the wrist to lead him through the school corridors – Dirk pressing his broken pencil into his hand – their hands on the bowling ball – Dirk’s casual touches throughout that day – his hands on Dirk’s arms as they blocked the scene – his hand on Dirk’s arm in the staircase, and the promise of Dirk’s fingers on his cheek instead only reaching his shoulder.

He couldn’t get Dirk out of his mind, and it was awful.

He also couldn’t shake the feeling that whatever had upset Dirk in the stairwell, it had been to do with him, not Friedkin. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pinpoint what he had done – did Dirk not consider him a friend? Had he been too forward? Not forward enough?

It was rare that Todd found himself worried about having hurt someone. He had shown up to his next band practice without so much as an apology; they didn’t expect one from him, and he didn’t expect any in return. But with Dirk, things were different.

His bandmates were good guys. And also the only friends he had, even if things were a little tense, even if he never seemed to be included in anything but music and house parties. But he had never once felt the same warmth around them as he did with Dirk.

Maybe Amanda was right.

He pushed the thought away. Dirk was not his type. Todd didn’t date theatre kids, even if he technically was one now. It was Dirk’s childish nature that made him want to look out for him, nothing else. Probably.

_I only see Dirk as a friend,_ he told himself. He had repeated the same sentiment a lot lately.

Todd was used to spending whole weekends lying in his bed playing video games and music, or even just daydreaming, as he was doing now. But now he found himself longing to do something else, to find some way to see Dirk. It had only been a day since they last spoke, but it felt like far too long.

He picked up his phone, thumb hovering over Dirk’s name. He had his number, but they had never texted before. Would it be strange to start now? Maybe he could invite Dirk out somewhere. He, like Todd, probably had nothing else to do.

But it would almost feel like a date, if they went alone. He didn’t want to give the wrong impression.

He hadn’t wanted to drag his sister along, but it seemed like the better option.

“Amanda,” He called, knowing she was most likely in her own bedroom next door.

“What?” Came the reply through the wall.

“Do you wanna go out somewhere?”

He heard shuffling, footsteps, and Amanda appeared at his door. “Did I hear you right? You want to go somewhere?”

Todd sat up. “Yeah, well… We could go to the cinema or something? You can bring Farah, and I’ll invite…” He saw her eyes widen before he said it, but finished anyway, “Dirk.”

“I see what’s going on here,” Amanda smiled slyly. “You’ve got it bad if he’s encouraging you to leave the house.”

“I don’t have anything bad,” Todd protested, “Actually, I don’t even have it not-bad. I have absolutely nothing. I just want to go to the cinema with a friend.”

Amanda folded her arms across her chest, leaning on the doorframe. “So then why don’t you go alone?” She said, knowing exactly why.

Todd gave a frustrated grunt. “I just thought you’d want to tag along, alright? If you’re going to act weird about it, just forget it.”

Hurriedly, she replied, “I won’t be weird! I’ll call Farah right now.” She disappeared for a moment, but popped her head back through the door to add, “Super excited for our double date!” Before Todd could curse her, she was gone.

 

The sun was setting by the time they left the cinema, painting the sky shades of pink and orange. Dirk stopped to admire it, but Todd found his gaze drawn to him instead.

He didn’t know what he had expected from today. There had been no sign of Dirk’s previous mood, the air light and easy between them once more. And there had been no suggestion that this was anything but a friendly outing, much to his relief. He had seen enough terrible movies to know to avoid sharing popcorn with Dirk, at least.

Maybe he sensed his gaze, because Dirk glanced sideways, smiling softly down at him. Todd returned the expression.

Amanda cleared her throat. “Farah and I are going back to her place for a while,” She said, coming to stand in front of Todd, “Maybe you two should hang out a bit longer.”

He knew exactly what Amanda was trying to do, and he didn’t like it. “It’s, uh… getting a bit late, is it not?”

“Well in that case, are you just going to let Dirk make his way back all alone?” She raised her eyebrows, “At least walk him home.”

“That’s not necessary,” Dirk began, but Amanda cut him off.

“No, I insist. My brother makes a great chaperone.”

Dirk turned to Todd for an answer. When Todd shrugged, he said, “Well, if you want to come back to mine for a bit…”

That felt like shaky ground to stand on. Inviting someone home with you seemed a very post-date thing to do. For a split second, Todd wondered what they might be _doing_ in Dirk’s house.

He quickly discarded the thought.

“Yeah. If that’s alright with you, then… sure.”

“Great! I’ll see you when you get home, Todd,” Amanda clapped a hand on his shoulder, “You can fill me in on the details then.” She hurried off after Farah.

Todd turned to Dirk, drumming his hands against his legs. “Uh… You don’t have to invite me back or anything,” He said, “I mean, I don’t want you to feel pressured…”

Dirk shook his head. “No, it’s fine! I want to. Actually, I would really like if you came home with me for a while.”

That was that, then. Not long later, Dirk was letting Todd into his apartment, leading him to the living room.

“Are your parents in?” Todd asked as he joined Dirk in sitting on the sofa.

The question had seemed innocent enough to him, but Dirk looked mildly alarmed. “No. They’re, um… away often.”

“So you live on your own?”

“Well, not all the time. They come back every once in a while. And they pay for the house. But mostly… yes.” Dirk shifted forwards, looking unsure whether to stay seated or try to escape the conversation with some excuse. Tucking his legs under him, Todd touched Dirk’s knee lightly in a silent plea for him to stay.

“Doesn’t it get lonely?” He asked.

Dirk was silent for a long time, his eyes searching Todd’s face, though he didn’t know what he was looking for. “It does,” He said eventually, and Todd only heard him because the room was entirely silent. “It’s… nice to have you here.”

Todd found he had no words to respond. Dirk’s eyes followed the movement of his lips as they parted, speechless.

It felt like Dirk had shared with him a part of himself. Todd had the sudden urge to return the favour.

“My parents are… distant. Not absent, but sometimes it feels like it. But I have Amanda, at least.”

Dirk nodded, curling around a cushion he had hugged to his chest. “Is that why you’re lonely too?”

It wasn’t what he had expected to hear, and it sent a wave of emotion through him, tightening in his throat. He had never told Dirk he was lonely – he hardly admitted it to himself. But he didn’t have to tell him. For the first time, someone knew. “Y-Yeah. Probably at least something to do with it. But Amanda turned out okay, so… why didn’t I?” Dirk’s unforeseen analysis had shaken him enough to spark a spiral of negative thoughts, and he wanted to open up to Dirk about everything.

“You did!” Dirk sat up, “You’re amazing, Todd. You shouldn’t be so down on yourself. I… I think you’re great.”

Todd sniffed, heat stinging the backs of his eyes. Vic had said he was getting softer since meeting Dirk. He hadn’t thought it was actually true. He wasn’t ready to let himself cry in front of Dirk, but very nearly did so anyway when Dirk reached out and picked up his hand, cradling it between both of his.

“I don’t think my parents would agree with you,” Todd tried to laugh it off. “They’re disappointed in me.”

Dirk’s grip tightened, his eyes serious. “Then they don’t know you well enough.”

He gave a watery smile, nudging Dirk’s leg with a foot. “Anyway, I didn’t mean to make this conversation all about me.”

“No, not at all,” Dirk’s eyes widened, “I don’t mind. Personally, I quite enjoy talking about you. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.” He patted Todd’s hand, breaking into a smile. “Now how about… I kick your arse at Mario Kart.”

He brought two cups of tea and two controllers over, handing one of each to Todd. “You can pick a course,” He said around a sip of tea, “And I’ll even let you have first pick of character.”

Dirk was as passionate about Mario Kart as he was anything else. He sat with his legs tucked in a basket, leaning forward with such vigour Todd worried more than once he might topple off the couch. His tongue poked out in concentration, frowning intently at the screen. Todd took the game a lot less seriously – he spent a lot of time glancing at Dirk, which led to him crashing a lot. Dirk laughed every time, and if Todd deliberately drove off the road once or twice, he didn’t need to admit to that.

“You’re not-” Dirk snorted, slumping back on the sofa, stifling his laughter with a fist against his mouth, “You’re not even trying, Todd.”

“You want me to try?” Todd quirked an eyebrow. Dirk was snickering too hard to respond, his whole body shaking, eyes squeezed almost closed. He could only whine and nod. “Alright, you’re on.”

This time Todd pulled out all the stops. If he looked as ridiculous as Dirk (which he probably did), he didn’t even mind. It was a close race, both of them constantly overtaking each other. “Nonononono!” Dirk yelled every time Todd pulled ahead. When Todd managed to hit him with a shell, Dirk shocked him into crashing seconds later with a cry of, “Fuck you!”

Almost as soon as Todd had recovered, Dirk stretched over to hit him repeatedly in the arm, his one-handed driving even wilder than normal. This resulted in a fall from the road, allowing Todd to cross the finish line before he could get back on track. “Hah! Take that!” He jabbed a finger at Dirk, who was buckled with laughter again. Dirk’s eyes were watering, wheezing for breath.

Todd wanted to kiss him.

The realisation came to him like any other thought, nothing special, but it changed everything. He wasn’t going to admit it to Amanda, but it turned out she had been right. Faced with Dirk at the height of happiness, Todd wanted to make sure he never came down from that feeling. He could picture himself kissing the smile onto Dirk’s face any time it faltered.

It took all of his restraint not to do so now.

 

His lengthy debate with himself over whether or not he should make a move was leaning towards the negative. He had made a mental list; one and a half pros against many cons. Kissing Dirk would mean… well, he would get to kiss Dirk, and that alone almost outweighed the cons. And then there was the small possibility that maybe Dirk would like him too, and things would progress from there…

But he didn’t want to get his hopes up. He had struggled enough to accept that he liked him. If he let himself believe that he had a chance, the inevitable rejection would crush him.

Holding him back was the thought of being turned down, the idea that Dirk only saw him as a friend, the resulting awkwardness (especially regarding the show), the rift it would put in their relationship. He was certain it would go down that route; there was no reason for Dirk to like him.

There was also the problem of acting opposite Dirk, following this realisation. He wasn’t sure he could bring himself to touch him as part of a play.

This dilemma resolved itself for the week – or rather, Friedkin resolved it, by actually showing up.

It was at once a relief and, surprisingly, a disappointment. For someone who had been so against theatre in the first place, the weight settling on his chest at the sight of Dirk acting with Friedkin instead of him was new and unexpected. He told himself it was because he was pretty sure Dirk didn’t like Friedkin, and Todd didn’t like seeing his friend uncomfortable.

Dirk showed no sign of distaste towards Friedkin, though. In fact, he looked just as happy as he did with Todd. Nothing had changed – it was just that now, things were how they were supposed to be. He reminded himself that he was the understudy, and the part was rightfully Friedkin’s.

Todd shut down any thoughts he might have entertained about Dirk’s feelings towards him. Of course they were just friends. Of fucking course they were.

Someone pulled out the chair beside him, clearing their throat. When he looked up, he saw Farah taking a seat. “Todd,” She greeted, “Is something wrong?”

“What? No, why would anything be…” He began, but Farah gave him a cool look.

“You’ve been glowering at Dirk and Friedkin for a good few minutes now.”

Todd made a point of fixing his expression and turning away from what was happening on stage.

“Are you… jealous?” Farah narrowed her eyes, leaning on an elbow, and Todd had the strangest sense he was being analysed.

He fumbled for words. “Jealous? No, what, what makes you think that? Where are you getting this idea from, why would I be jealous…” Her face told him she didn’t believe a word of it. He sighed. “I take it Amanda’s been telling you her wild theories about me and Dirk, then.”

“Amanda?” Farah pulled a face, “What? No. I mean, she tried to set you up that time at the bowling alley, yeah. But she didn’t need to tell me anything.” She paused for a moment, and then asked in a way that suggested she already knew the answer, “Do you like Dirk?”

“No,” Todd replied automatically, grimaced, and amended, “Yes? Maybe. I don’t know. You know what, let’s just say I don’t and be done with it. I like him, sure, but I don’t _like_ like him.” It was a lie, and he suspected they both knew it. But he needed to sort out what he wanted before he discussed it with anyone.

Farah nodded as if she understood that, too. She said nothing more, but somehow Todd felt the implication that this wouldn’t be the end of the subject forever.

At the front of the room, Riggins cleared his throat. “Alright, everyone,” He announced, “Dirk’s been working on one of his solos, so we’re going to hear that before we move on.”

Dirk gave a little wave at the mention of his name, his smile a little nervous as he took his place beside the piano. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath, and when he opened them again they met Todd’s. Drawing courage from the contact, he nodded to the pianist.

Todd leaned back in his chair to listen, letting Dirk’s voice wash over him. The song was nice enough, slow and melodic, and Dirk’s voice worked well with the soft tones.

And then Dirk looked at him again and suddenly Todd was no longer just an audience member. The song was meant for him.

_“So confused because I feel complete with him, when we’re alone it all somehow makes sense; look into his eyes for some compromise, remember the word forget, and try to bury something so intense.”_

It was getting more and more difficult to breathe. Todd felt like he was choking.

_“What role do I play? Am I a saviour or a phase? Am I here to damn you or to help you navigate this maze? Where confusion is a crime so you fill your life with sound, and if you dance like hell you hope you’ll never touch the ground.”_

Dirk’s voice cracked a little, though maybe Todd was just imagining the emotion. Maybe he was just finding things that weren’t there, because deep down he wanted to find them. Dirk’s face softened as the music lulled; he still hadn’t looked away.

_“What happens when the music stops? In the silence will he stay? One day he’ll realise that these feelings aren’t going away. So we drive ourselves insane, spinning circles in our souls as we dance around and play pretend, and once again reprise our roles.”_

People were clapping around him. Todd forced himself to do so, too.

Farah was watching him, calculating. Dirk was also watching him, smiling as if he were the only one in the room. Right now, Dirk really could have been the only one in the room, for all the attention Todd was giving anyone else.

He wouldn’t let himself believe even for a second that Dirk thought the same about him.


	5. Chapter 5

When Todd woke, he could still feel the ghost of Dirk’s hand in his, even as the memory of the dream faded.

He rolled onto his back, cursing himself. _Way to go, Todd._ There was no easy way to sort this; the way he saw it, he had two options.

Option one was to tell Dirk. This would mean putting their friendship at risk, and that wasn’t something he wanted to do. He wasn’t sure he would be able to recover from the embarrassment of rejection. He also wasn’t sure he would be able to let his first real friendship crumble thanks to his stupid crush.

Option two was to say nothing. This would mean watching as Dirk went about his life, probably dating people who weren’t him. It would mean letting his crush boil inside until it either died down, or grew until it became too much and ruined their friendship anyway. However, it also meant he wouldn’t have to have this conversation with Dirk any time soon.

He thought, for the moment at least, he preferred the latter.

A small part of his mind wondered – what if there was a third option? What if there was a chance that something could become of them, if only he had the courage to take the first step?

Maybe he would have to consult Amanda on this after all.

 

Surprisingly, Friedkin had been showing up more often the past few weeks, which wasn't great. Maybe if he had actually been putting in some effort, Todd wouldn't have minded giving him his role back. But Friedkin seemed completely uninterested, no matter how hard Dirk tried to coax him.

Todd caught his concern growing and stopped himself. God, since when did he care so much about the play?

He suspected he knew the reason why, at least.

As it was, he had been given the menial task of hauling set around when he wasn't on stage. If he was perfectly honest, he would much rather be doing whatever Dirk was.

But Dirk smiled at him every time he saw him, so not everything was awful.

He was hauling a set piece offstage, the rest of the cast flooding out of the room to head home, when something scraped his finger. “Ouch,” He hissed, dropping the set to shake out his hand; a bead of blood was forming on his fingertip.

As he pressed his finger to his lips he heard Dirk call his name, and a moment later he was in front of him. “What happened?”

“Nothing,” Todd mumbled over his own bleeding finger, “I just cut myself on this.”

“Let me see,” Dirk took his hand, pulling it away from his face to inspect the damage. Really, it was only a tiny cut, but the blood spread across it made it look worse than it was. Dirk’s eyebrows knitted together, turning Todd’s palm upwards, fingers tickling his skin. “I'm sure we have a… a thing, somewhere,” He said, sounding distracted.

It took him a moment, but eventually he dropped Todd’s hand and hurried off. Todd sat himself on top of the offending set piece and waited.

When Dirk returned, he was carrying a pile of thick bandages and an entire box of bandaids. He left them in a heap beside Todd to pick up his hand again; Todd gave him an incredulous look. “Jesus, Dirk, I’m not dying.”

“I know. I could only find these.” Still holding Todd’s hand up by the wrist, he rummaged in his first aid pile. “Either I cover your finger in rather large bandages, or I use…” He trailed off momentarily, just long enough to whip a bandaid from the box and brandish it in his face. “Aha. One of these.”

Todd squinted, gently pushing Dirk’s hand away to get a better look. Tiny cartoon frogs leapt along the bandaid. He scoffed, but took a look at the size of the other option and made up his mind. “I'd rather be able to use my hand, thanks. I'll put up with the frogs.”

Dirk gave a contented hum, getting to work on applying the bandaid. “Do you have a costume yet?” He said as he moved, ripping open the packet. Todd was just shaking his head when Dirk began mumbling to himself, the bandaid evidently a source of confusion, “Now how is best to… Hmm, if I put it here… and wrap it round like- oh, shit, that's not right- um, just a second, it seems to have stuck itself together.”

“I could have done this myself, you know,” He said, letting his lips quirk fondly.

Dirk pouted. “No, I want to do it. Stop trying to interfere,” He batted Todd’s hand away. When he next met his gaze, his eyes had an oddly serious shine to them. “You've been taking care of me, so… it's only fair I return the favour.”

Todd wasn't sure what he was referring to. He nodded anyway. “Thanks, Dirk. I appreciate it.”

Dirk had finally managed to bandage up his finger, if a little wonkily. He gave a smile that wasn't quite convincing. “Take care of yourself,” He said.

Suddenly it was impossible to look away from his eyes. “I will.”

The door creaked.

Neither of them turned. It slowly closed again.

They were still alone in the room. Even if they hadn't been, he thought it might have felt like it anyway.

Had he been brave enough, he might have thanked Dirk with a kiss.

He definitely wasn't brave enough.

Someone cleared their throat. Amanda's head popped through the doorway; he hadn't even heard it open this time. “Am I interrupting something here? Because I can go home myself, I mean, if you boys are busy…”

Dirk let go of his hand, stepping back. “No, we're… I think we're done here.”

“Right,” Todd agreed, somewhat reluctantly. He stood, half-jogging to the door, expecting Dirk to follow him. When he glanced back, Dirk was where he had left him.

“Oh, Todd,” He said suddenly, though it sounded like he had been rehearsing the line to sound spontaneous. “About costumes. I need to find something too, so I thought…” He was wringing his hands together nervously, gaze flitting between Todd and the floor. “We could go shopping together? The school will organise most of it, but there are a few pieces we should source ourselves.” A little awkwardly, he added, “You can come too, of course, Amanda.”

“Thanks for the offer but I'm in tech, I don't need a costume. I'll leave you two to it.” She had the audacity to wink before she left. Todd took a moment to glare after her.

When he turned back to Dirk, he was watching him expectantly, if a little hopelessly. Todd wondered if he had ever invited anyone out before – or, more to the point, if anyone had ever accepted. Maybe he would be the first – maybe he was Dirk’s first real friend, too. “Yeah, sure. Sounds fun. I'll text you later.”

Relief washed over Dirk’s face, mingling with excitement and something else Todd couldn't place, but something he saw quite often when Dirk looked at him. “Great! Excellent, even. I'll see you then!”

 

Their agreed meeting place was busy, and the rain pouring down had Todd hiding under a shop’s canopy for shelter. For a while he worried that he would miss Dirk – the city was a big place, and not necessarily one Dirk knew how to navigate alone.

He needn’t have been concerned. Moments later, his attention was captured by a bright yellow raincoat. Of course it was Dirk; he should have expected nothing less.

Dirk was wandering the street, peering around him, fingers tapping his lips. He looked, as expected, entirely lost. Todd huffed a laugh, feeling warmer despite the rain, and jogged over to him.

“Todd!” Dirk called as soon as he caught sight of him, not even waiting for Todd to reach him before starting a conversation, “Don’t you have a hood, or an umbrella or something? You’ll be soaked!”

“I’m fine,” He waved him off. “Where are we going?”

He found himself dragged from charity shop to charity shop, raking through clothing, Todd finding nothing interesting and Dirk finding everything interesting. As they had walked into the first shop, Dirk had pulled a neat bundle of flyers out of bag and politely handed some over the counter. Todd had watched on in disbelief as he then handed a single flyer to every individual in the shop, giving them his best smile and telling them far more information about the show than any of them had ever wanted.

“What do you think of this?” Dirk asked him every time he pulled something from the clothes racks, and every time Todd nodded and agreed that it would suit him, no matter the item. This happened far too often; Dirk hadn’t bought anything yet, but only because he was determined to keep hunting for the perfect costume piece, and vowed to return for everything else if his search was unsuccessful.

The streets only got busier as the day wore on. Upon leaving one particular shop, Dirk stopped so quickly Todd almost walked into his back. “Oh dear,” He glanced down at Todd, “There are a lot of people.”

“Yeah, that’s what you get in cities,” Todd said, but in fairness, it was even more crowded than usual. “Just don’t try to give them all flyers.”

Dirk’s lips quirked. “Don’t be silly, Todd, I don’t have nearly enough flyers for that. I would have to go print more.”

“You printed them all yourself?” Todd said incredulously.

“Of course I did!”

Todd laughed, shaking his head at the ground and starting to walk again. Dirk did a fumbling little run to draw level with him. His hand bumped Todd’s, and Todd began to pull his away, mumbling an apology – but Dirk’s hand followed his, fingers wrapping around it a little clumsily. Todd’s heart rate leapt as he looked at him questioningly.

“I, um, don’t want to lose you in the crowd, Todd,” Dirk said as if it were obvious, that holding hands was the done thing when you were about to walk down a busy street with an entirely platonic friend. But Dirk was an unusual person, so for all Todd knew, he thought it was. He at least had the decency to blush slightly, though Todd suspected it didn’t quite live up to the redness of his own face.

He didn’t remove his hand. Instead he nodded, deciding that maybe it was completely normal, and laced his fingers with Dirk’s.

Fighting back a smile, Dirk tugged at his hand and started walking.

The rain intensified, just enough to make Todd glance at the sky and curse before it turned into an outright downpour. He met Dirk’s gaze, and Dirk cursed back.

Staying out much longer would only get them soaked, so Todd glanced around for the nearest shop and took off towards it, breaking into a light run. He dragged Dirk along behind him, glancing back to grin at him and nearly bowling over a passer-by. Dirk’s snort of laughter was worth his embarrassment, but first of all he had to focus on running.

“Mind your step, Todd!” Dirk called to him as they swerved around another group of people, only to trip over thin air with his next step; had Todd not been holding onto him, his flailing stumble could have ended on the ground.

“Maybe you should take your own advice some time,” Todd shot back, but he was laughing now, trying to contain himself as Dirk did the same. It wasn’t until the shop bell rang and warm air hit them that they let themselves stop for breath.

Dirk lead Todd aside, tucking them both against the wall. “Well that was exciting,” Dirk panted. They hadn’t even run very far, but Todd found himself short of breath, too. Perhaps it was the speed they had moved – or perhaps it was their fingers still laced together, Todd all too aware of every point of contact.

“It was just a bit of rain,” He said, “No big adventure.”

“Anything is a big adventure if you believe,” Dirk grinned, and Todd was set off laughing again, leaning his head against the wall as he watched Dirk snigger into his free hand.

At some point in their run, Dirk’s hood must have fallen down, because his hair was dripping wet. Though he was drenched and shivering himself, Todd reached up, tucked a loose strand of Dirk’s hair back into its neat style. Dirk’s grin softened.

His cheeks hurt from laughing. Todd wished he could spend every day like this.

In a seemingly unconscious movement, Dirk’s thumb lightly stroked the back of his hand. Dirk was still giving him that warm smile, one that made everything else feel insignificant. Todd wondered if he knew what he was doing to him, and didn’t know what answer he was hoping for.

The chime of the shop bell sharply reminded both of them of where they were. Dirk pulled his hand away, if somewhat reluctantly, and looked around the shop. “Good choice, Todd,” He said, voice wavering slightly. “Let’s find ourselves some costumes.”

Barely a few minutes into their search, Dirk’s attention was stolen by the brightest part of the room. Todd followed him over, raising an eyebrow at the rows of brightly coloured jackets, but Dirk seemed enthralled.

“I want to buy all of them,” He announced.

Todd scoffed. “Well, I’m not helping you carry them home.”

“Ah. I suppose you’re right. Maybe I could just buy one for now… or a few? I like them all!”

Todd didn’t see much difference between the jackets besides colour, but he nodded anyway. Dirk shrugged off his coat and thrust it in Todd’s direction, muttering for him to hold it as he stretched up to pick a yellow jacket from the rack. “Dirk, you’re soaking wet, maybe you shouldn’t try it on right now,” He said, but took the coat anyway and watched helplessly as Dirk wriggled into the new jacket.

“Tada!” He held up his arms, spinning on the spot. “What do you think?”

“I think it would look much better if you weren’t dripping rainwater all over it,” He smirked, “But other than that, yeah. It’s nice. You look good in it.”

Dirk’s face lit up. “You think I should get yellow?”

“Yeah, sure. It’s, uh, a good colour on you.”

Todd stood to the side while Dirk purchased his jacket. The rain had eased off by the time they left the shop, clouds beginning to clear. Todd’s stomach growled, and Dirk gave him an amused look. “Should we go somewhere to eat?”

 

Dirk thrust a flyer in the face of their waitress as soon as they sat down. She accepted it gracefully, giving a polite smile and vowing to look into their production. Todd doubted she was being sincere, but Dirk seemed pleased with her response.

They were seated at a round booth, one that was relatively small, and Dirk’s new jacket was spread across half of it. Todd didn’t bother asking him to move it. It was kind of nice, having him close enough for their knees to bump under the table. Not that he wasn’t going to pretend that every touch was an accident, apologising and pulling away every time their legs brushed.

But every so often Dirk shuffled a little closer, moving gradually along the seat until he was almost pressed against Todd’s side. And every time he did, he looked at Todd, giving him a chance to tell him to stop. He never did.

Todd wondered what was going through Dirk’s mind. Perhaps he had some rational reason for edging along the booth towards him. Perhaps Todd was blinded by his own feelings, and assumed Dirk’s thought process was the same. But he couldn’t think of any other reason for Dirk to be acting that way.

He opened his mouth to ask him, but thought better of it. Instead he said, “So our costume run was unsuccessful?”

“Of course not!” Dirk leaned forwards, “I mean, we didn’t get any costumes, but I got a jacket! And I got to spend the day with you.” He shifted slightly, blushing at the table, and Todd found it difficult to breathe.

“Good point,” He said, trying his best to sound normal, “It was a success, then.”

Dirk’s lips quirked into a smile – Todd’s eyes followed the movement.

“You, um, have a bit of sauce on your mouth,” He pointed out. Dirk frowned, tongue peeking out to search for the offending mark. Todd’s hand twitched – it was a move out of a typical romantic movie, wiping off sauce a flimsy excuse to touch the other’s face. He wasn’t going to do it. Dirk was perfectly capable of cleaning himself. And God, he would give anything to be able to touch him freely, but he couldn’t jump the gun before he knew that it was safe, that he wasn’t reading too far into this, misinterpreting Dirk’s friendship.

He wasn’t sure he could possibly be misinterpreting Dirk’s easy laughter at something Todd said later, Dirk leaning into him, Dirk letting his head fall onto his shoulder briefly while he gathered himself.

But he wasn’t going to take the chance.

 

Within a few days, he was glad he hadn’t.

He knew he was early to rehearsal. He had expected Dirk to be there, too.

He hadn’t expected Dirk to be halfway through a conversation with Farah, one he could hear through the open door if he stood just beside it, just out of sight.

“And obviously I don’t want it to affect the show… I mean, if I were to say something, or even _do_ something, where would that leave us? Would it make things awkward on stage?”

“I can’t believe you’re thinking about the show at a time like this,” Farah’s voice replied.

Dirk made an indignant noise. “I have to! We’re acting together!”

“I know, Dirk, but I think your feelings are more important than the show, alright? And you like him, and I can tell it’s getting to you. So do something about it.”

“I can’t, Farah,” Dirk whined, “I don’t want to ruin anything.”

Todd knew he shouldn’t be listening in. He should have left as soon as he heard the serious tone of their voices. But something about the conversation made him feel nauseous.

“I like him. A lot,” Dirk was saying. “He’s… he’s funny, and he cares about people, and he’s a great singer, and he’s all these other amazing things. But how can I tell him that? What if he doesn’t want to know me when he finds out? Oh God, what if he doesn’t even want to be near me, and he quits the show and the whole thing is ruined and it’s my fault because I got a stupid crush on—”

“Dirk,” Farah cut in, “Calm down.”

There was silence for a few moments, which gave Todd enough time to think through what he had heard, and for the sickness to grow. Dirk already had someone he liked. Someone funny, someone kind and talented and wonderful, someone who made Dirk happy – someone, then, who wasn’t him.

And someone involved in the show, for that matter. Someone Todd knew.

Dirk started to speak again, but Todd couldn’t bear to listen. He could skip rehearsals today. He pushed off of the wall and walked away briskly enough to stop his throat from closing and his eyes from burning.


	6. Chapter 6

The show was about two weeks away, which had Dirk’s nerves ramped up more with each passing day. Todd hadn’t been able to avoid him for more than one evening; Amanda had described him as ‘pining’ the next morning, and by lunch time he was back to eating with him in the stairwell.

But a few days later, when he opened the door to the usual stairwell, Dirk wasn’t there.

He was probably busy, Todd told himself. He would show up at some point. He closed the door behind him and waited by the stairs, pulling out his phone to pass time.

“Todd?”

Todd glanced up at Dirk’s voice. It took him a moment to spot him – his head peered out from underneath the staircase. “What are you doing down there?”

Dirk pulled a distressed face. “Rehearsing?”

“Okay…” Todd rounded the banister, following Dirk as he retreated back to his spot against the wall and patted the floor beside him. Dumping his bag in the corner, Todd took a seat. “Why under the stairs?”

“It’s peaceful?” Dirk shrugged, lifting his script off the floor. “I just want to make sure I know everything…”

Todd nudged his arm lightly. “Dirk, you’re amazing. You’re gonna be fine.” Holding out a hand, he added, “You want me to help you?”

“Thank you, Todd,” Dirk said, suppressing a smile. He handed over his script, open at the page he had been working on. Todd knew the scene, having rehearsed it with Dirk before – the climax of the relationship, and the song which gave the musical its name. “I, um, just got up to the song.”

“You wanna practice it together?” He found himself suggesting. It was rare for anyone to use this stairwell, so they weren’t likely to be interrupted. But maybe singing a romantic duet together, alone under a staircase, was an odd suggestion.

Dirk didn’t seem to think so. He nodded enthusiastically. “Sure! That would be very helpful. If you don’t mind.”

“No, I mean, I need to know the song too, so…” Todd shrugged a little helplessly, wishing he could take back the suggestion. But Dirk looked as though he had worked himself up terribly over the approaching show, and if helping him meant embarrassing himself a little, Todd was just about willing to do that.

He cleared his throat, beginning to sing awkwardly.

_“Do you remember the day that you met me? I swear it was yesterday, I knew with a glance...”_

Dirk was watching him intently. When Todd met his gaze, he was almost thrown off by the softness of his smile.

_“That you were the question, and you were the answer - that the world would make sense again if I held your hand.”_

The song was supposed to build up to a kiss. Todd wondered if he should go for it now, use the show to get at least something if he couldn’t have Dirk. But that wasn’t right. He couldn’t do that to him – Dirk didn’t like him in that way. Any kisses between them, on the slim chance that Todd had to take over Friedkin’s role, would be as their characters rather than themselves.

Both of them quietly singing in harmony, the room suddenly felt much hotter. He told himself he was imagining the tension, but Dirk hadn’t looked away from his eyes since the moment he had opened his mouth.

He heard the door creak, the sound immediately interrupting the song. He cut off abruptly, in time to hear someone clear their throat. Dirk had stopped to, but still sat frozen, wide eyes fixed on Todd, lips parted-

Whoever it was couldn’t see them down there, which meant Todd could just-

He had only just realised how close they were, having drifted towards each other over the course of the song, and it really wouldn’t take much effort to move forwards just that little bit more, to catch Dirk’s lips with his-

“Dirk?” Farah’s voice echoed in the quiet stairwell.

“I’m here,” Dirk squeaked. Addressing Todd, he added, “I’m sorry. I forgot I told Farah I was here.” Todd wasn’t sure what the apology was for.

Coming to his senses, he sat back hurriedly, grabbing his lunch just for something to busy himself. Farah sat down to join them, giving him an odd look as his clumsy fingers dropped his fork. “Should I… leave you two to it?” She asked, and it occurred to Todd that he was probably bright red right now. A quick glance in Dirk’s direction told him his cheeks hadn’t fared much better.

“No, no, we were just… rehearsing,” Dirk’s nod wasn’t the most inconspicuous. “You know, lines and… stuff.”

Farah didn’t argue. She launched into some discussion of sound with Dirk, which Todd couldn’t focus on enough to understand. His mind told him he should be glad for the interruption – he had been about to ruin both the show and his one good friendship, after all – but what he actually felt was more like disappointment.

For barely a second, he let himself wonder if Dirk was disappointed, too.

 

The next time he saw Dirk, Todd was hovering in the hallway, waiting for his bandmates to show up, when a flash of yellow leather sped past.

Todd stood bolt upright, eyes following Dirk as he hurried by without a word. He could hardly get a good look at him, but he was stumbling, a hand pressed to his face, and it was difficult to tell but his skin was blotchy and his expression twisted in a way that sent a spike of panic through Todd.

“Is he crying?” Amanda appeared at his side suddenly, looking as alarmed as Todd felt.

“I-I don’t know, I couldn’t tell,” He said. Amanda cursed and took off after him, calling his name – Dirk didn’t even slow down. He was growing distant now, but the bright leather made him easy to spot as he barrelled down the corridor towards the drama department.

He couldn’t just stand there, but that was exactly what he did for a few moments more, staring blankly after him. He wasn’t good at dealing with other people’s emotions. He wasn’t even good at dealing with his own.

When he finally moved, he found Dirk exactly where he had expected to – sat on a desk in their usual classroom. Only this time he wasn’t smiling, wasn’t swinging his legs, instead sobbing into Amanda’s shoulder while Farah spoke softly to him.

Todd stood frozen in the doorway, watching as Dirk lifted his head. He was sniffling, wiping streams of tears from his cheeks, words snatched away by sobs whenever he opened his mouth.

He didn’t know what to do.

Dirk caught his gaze. His eyes widened. Todd thought he could see a tiny glimmer of hope there. His lips formed Todd’s name, but no sound came out.

Todd swallowed. He held his gaze for a moment longer.

And then he turned around and left.

In the short time until class started, his phone rang twice before he silenced it.

 

He could hardly focus on his band practice later that afternoon; he lost track of how many times he messed up a note because his thoughts had strayed to Dirk in this same room, crying his heart out to his little sister when Todd couldn’t even fucking acknowledge him.

“For god’s sake, Todd,” Vic snapped at him after another wrong note, cutting off the whole song halfway through. “What, are you still thinking about your damn theatre?”

“No,” Todd snapped right back, “You don’t get to judge me when you don’t even fucking know what’s going on, alright?”

“Alright, whatever.” Vic threw his hands up. “Just try to actually focus. There’s no point in us being here if you’re just going to fuck around.”

Todd gave a disgruntled sigh. He shouldn’t be angry with the band. Really, he shouldn’t be angry with anyone. But he was, with _everyone_ , especially himself.

And that included Dirk. He was angry with Dirk. He didn’t even know why – he had no reason to be. It was his own damn fault that he was so useless, that he couldn’t even help someone who was meant to be his best friend. But every time he looked at his phone, he had another missed call from Dirk, and he wished he would leave him _alone_.

Dirk was just looking to his friend for support. Todd had no right to be angry at him. But he couldn’t stop himself. His anger was almost as strong as his concern, but it was enough to stop him from calling back.

“Look, if this show is giving you grief, why don’t you just quit?”

“I can’t-” He began to say, but hesitated.

What was stopping him?

He had never wanted to be a part of it in the first place. They already had someone who could fill in his parts, and he had spent so much time standing in for Friedkin that the other guy probably knew his own part better than he did now. But he had been brought into the show for a reason – if he left now, there was a good chance it would be cancelled entirely.

The only reason he had kept it up was Dirk. It was very last minute, but they couldn’t stop him from quitting.

Part of him didn’t want to. Part of him couldn’t let Dirk down. But that part of him was being drowned out right now.

“It would give you more time to practice with us. We could really make something this year, if everyone pulls their weight.”

“I’ll think about it,” He answered.

 

He skipped rehearsal again that Tuesday. It was a Wednesday lunch time before Farah approached him. “Todd, can I talk to you?”

“Uh, sure,” He said, moving his bag from the seat to let her sit beside him. “What about?”

Farah bit her lip, tapping at the desk. “Partly about Dirk,” She said eventually, “Partly about something I overheard from your bandmates.” She looked him dead in the eye and said, “You’re not going to quit the show now.”

She sounded so convincing, Todd almost agreed right then. But he hadn’t seen Dirk in days, hadn’t managed to solve anything, and he hadn’t quite calmed down either. “I just want to focus on the band,” He shrugged, “Theatre’s not my thing.”

“Okay, but the band’s been there the whole time, and it’s never had you ready to quit before. So don’t pretend this isn’t about Dirk.” She gave him a pointed look, and Todd withered.

“Alright, fine, I just…” He sighed, “I fucked up, okay?”

Farah raised an eyebrow. “But you didn’t… _do_ anything.”

“Exactly. I saw him the other day, and he saw me. He was a mess, and I didn’t know what to do about it, so I just abandoned him. And now he keeps calling me, and I still don’t know how to deal with whatever’s going on so I’ve just been ignoring every call…”

“He’s still a mess, Todd,” Farah said quietly.

Todd’s heart sank. He had been hoping the problem might go away on its own. “What- Is he- Do you know what happened?”

Farah shook her head. “He won’t tell anyone. He’s just been… quiet. I’ve hardly seen him the past few days, and I’ve been _trying_. Look, can you just talk to him? He might open up more to you.”

He hesitated. “I… I don’t know. I can try.”

“Alright, fine, good enough.” Farah stood to leave, pausing to add, “Oh, and Todd? Do not hurt him again. Or I’ll be forced to… do… something. He doesn’t deserve that.”

 

Todd looked for Dirk in the stairwell, but found it empty. He tried the classroom instead; Dirk’s bag was tucked under a desk, but he was nowhere to be seen. Todd took a seat and waited.

“…Todd?”

He looked up at the sound of the door opening, Dirk’s voice softly calling his name. His heart in his throat, he stood. “Dirk. Hey.”

“What do you want?” Dirk looked utterly confused.

“I, um…” Todd shrugged, “I just wanted to talk to you.”

Suddenly his confusion faded into annoyance. “Is this about the show?” Before Todd could question him, he went on, folding his arms across his chest defensively, “I heard from Farah. Are you going to quit?”

Todd hesitated just long enough for Dirk to take it as a confirmation.

“Right. Thanks a lot, Todd.” Bitterness rang in his voice. He looked away, stared at the floor for a beat, then another, and then met Todd’s gaze with new resolve. “Why did you run away? I _needed_ you.”

His eyes were filling with tears again. Todd knew he should apologise, or reassure him, but when he opened his mouth all that came out was, “Why me?” He had said it now. He couldn’t take it back. He went on, “Amanda and Farah were there, why did you need me?”

Dirk’s eyes widened, shining with hurt, raised eyebrows knitting together. At once he was distraught, betrayed, heartbroken, and Todd felt sick with guilt. “Because I _thought_ you were my _friend_!” He cried.

“I _am_ your friend,” Todd tried, but Dirk was shaking his head.

“You don’t understand, Todd; I have never had anyone to turn to. But I thought I’d found that in you.” He took a breath. “Clearly I was wrong.” Todd’s gaze followed him as he took a seat at a table, further away than necessary. “Do you actually care about me at all?”

Todd wanted to tell him just how much he cared. He wanted to tell him that he cared so much, he could think of nothing else, could _feel_ nothing else. But the words wouldn’t come, and he stood in silence.

“Right. Of course. How could I be so stupid.”

“Dirk,” He pleaded, taking a step towards him. “I didn’t- I never meant to hurt you…”

“If you’re going to quit the show, that’s fine. Your decision. I can’t stop you. Just do it now, so we can at least try to salvage it,” He huffed a humourless laugh, “Or just give up.”

He opened his mouth to say something, anything to try and fix things. Dirk interrupted.

“Stop trying to draw this out longer than necessary. Just go, Todd.”

He had no other choice.


	7. Chapter 7

“Todd Brotzman, we are having words,” Amanda announced as soon as he stepped in the door.

Todd gave her a dry look. “I take it you’ve heard too.”

Before he could even put his backpack down, she thundered down the staircase to corner him by the door. “You need to get yourself together and stop acting like such an ass to Dirk, and to everyone else in your life. You know fine well the show’s in danger without enough people-”

“They have people to stand in! What’s the fucking point-”

“The point is you committed to this! And you committed to being there for Dirk, and now you’re throwing everything away for yourself and for everyone else just because of one stupid mistake! God, my brother is an idiot!” Amanda shoved his chest just hard enough for his back to brush the wall. With a cry of frustration, she paced away, then whirled around to face him. “Just because you’re all torn up over your stupid crush doesn’t give you permission to hurt him. Dirk has done nothing wrong, and you know how much he cares about this show, and right now is clearly the worst possible time to take that away from him when he already has other things on his mind, and you just-”

“Alright!” Todd cut in, holding up his hands, “Just- just stop. I get it. I know I fucked up, believe me.”

Amanda gave him a level look. “Then stop beating yourself up and do something about it.”

 

It took him a few days to work up the courage to call Dirk, but Amanda’s persistent reminders helped.

Dirk picked up after a painstakingly long ring, with only a curt, “Hello?”

His words came out hoarse. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Hey, Dirk. It’s Todd.”

“I know,” He said.

He was silent for long enough Todd worried he would hang up. “I just wanted to… speak to you.”

“Why?” Dirk sounded more surprised than accusatory.

“Because…” He swallowed, telling himself he could do this. Words were easier when you were talking to just a cell phone and the ceiling. “I care about you. And I’m worried about you. And about… us.”

“Us?”

“As in… our friendship. I don’t want to lose it.”

He heard Dirk sniffle. His voice was suddenly watery. “Neither do I.” After a beat, he added, “I’m sorry, Todd. I wasn’t very nice to you-”

“No, stop. I’m apologising to you.” He laughed fondly, if only to fight back the lump in his throat. “Look, when I saw you cry, I didn’t know what to do. I just felt… lost. And instead of dealing with that, I made things worse.”

“…Todd?” Dirk said quietly. “I don’t know a whole lot about the mechanics of friendships, but maybe this isn’t a conversation meant for over the phone. Can we talk about this later?”

Disappointment stung the backs of his eyes. He swallowed. “Uh, sure. I’ll… see you soon?”

“I hope so. Goodbye, Todd,” Dirk said, and then added, “I… um. Bye.” He hung up, leaving Todd to wonder how much their short conversation had actually helped after all.

He didn’t hear from Dirk again until he showed up in their dressing room the following Monday for their tech rehearsal.

Dirk looked a little surprised to see him. “Oh. You’re… here. You’re… still doing the show?”

“Yeah,” He said. “I thought about it, and I realised I didn’t want to quit. Sorry, I should have told you the other day.”

A smile tugged at Dirk’s lips. His shoulders sagged in visible relief as he let out a sigh. “Oh, thank goodness. Everything was just – just spiralling out of control, but... at least you’re here. That's at least one issue solved.”

Todd felt strangely guilty for having added to his problems. “Are you... alright now?” He asked. He hoped Dirk knew he was referring to not only today, but every other day he had seen him recently, Dirk having looked uncharacteristically down even in Todd’s brief but frequent glances any time they were in the same room. Even on the phone he had sounded unbearably sad.

The odd quirk to Dirk’s lips betrayed him as he shrugged and replied, “I’m fine.”

“Dirk.”

“Really, I am,” Dirk tried for a more convincing tone, “I was just lonely, I suppose. And I thought we weren’t friends anymore. And other things happened.” He moved to the wall and crouched down to press at buttons on his phone, which was charging on the floor, clearly trying to avoid Todd’s gaze.

Todd sat himself down right beside the plug socket, determinedly catching Dirk’s eye. He wouldn’t let this go this time. He had let Dirk suffer enough.

When Dirk lifted his head and set his phone aside, Todd tugged at his sleeve before he could stand up. Dirk complied after a moment’s hesitation, turning so that he was sitting side by side with Todd.

Todd didn’t push him – just waited silently until Dirk started speaking.

“I tried to talk to Friedkin,” Dirk said, picking at the fabric of his trousers, “About how he hasn’t been pulling his weight. I thought, since it was so close to show week, I should do something about it. I really do want this show to go well, you know.” Todd nodded in understanding. “So I caught him as he passed me on the staircase. I tried to speak nicely to him, but he was just laughing. And then he was about to walk away, so I-I raised my voice, just enough to let him know I was serious.”

He let out a breath, hands twisting together on his knees. Todd resisted the temptation to rest his hand over Dirk’s.

“He got angry. He started shouting at me, telling me not to boss him around – I wasn’t trying to control him or anything, just _talk_ to him – I should have just left it. But I wanted to be stronger as a person, so I tried again.” He swallowed, letting one hand drop to his side, fingers brushing Todd’s. Todd took this as a sign to stop trying to resist it and slid his fingers into Dirk’s. Dirk flashed him a grateful smile, squeezed his hand and went on, “He pushed me into the wall. And he held me there and shouted so close to my face I could feel his spit. We were still on the stairs. I thought I was going to fall, or he was going to hurt me. I was so scared, I- I pushed him away and ran.”

“God, Dirk,” Todd tightened his grip on his hand, “Did you tell someone?”

At that, Dirk looked incredulous. “I can’t! What would that mean for the show? No, you’re the only person I’ve told.”

“You’ve kept this to yourself for this long because I ignored you – Dirk, I am so sorry.” Todd shuffled, turning his body to face Dirk. “You need to report this. You can’t just let him get away with it.”

“I can’t,” Dirk repeated, his voice cracking, face screaming that he really did not want to have this conversation.

Todd nodded, mumbled an okay, and pulled him into a hug.

A soft gasp tickled his ear. Almost immediately, Dirk’s arms wound tightly around him, clinging to Todd with everything he had. He felt Dirk press his face into his shoulder, squeezing his eyes closed against the fabric of his shirt. Todd let one hand stray to Dirk’s hair, twisting fingers between surprisingly soft locks. He sighed softly, letting his eyelids flutter closed.

Every moment that passed with the two of them just holding each other and nothing else felt like a step closer to fixing things.

 

“Are tech rehearsals always this long and boring?”

Dirk nodded solemnly. “They need to make sure everything works. Actors are only occasionally necessary.”

Their dressing room had slowly filled with more people – including Friedkin, at one point. He hadn’t stayed long, but it had been long enough for Dirk to tense and shuffle minutely closer to Todd. Todd worried how he would deal with acting in the show with him. Maybe he should report him himself.

Now Dirk was still pressed lightly against his side, legs tucked to one side as he leaned forwards to join a card game someone had brought in. They had changed into costume, and there wasn’t much left to do but wait to be called when the tech team were ready for them. Enough snacks had been supplied to provide for the whole room, and Dirk and Todd had been sharing a large bag of chips between them for a while now.

Todd had passed on the card game, but he was close enough to see Dirk’s. This also meant he could see that Dirk had no idea what he was doing.

Nudging his arm, Todd tried to cover his mouth from prying eyes and whisper to Dirk what his next move should be. Dirk just gave him a blank look and raised an eyebrow quizzically. “I can’t hear you.”

With a sigh, Todd leaned forward, closer to his ear, and repeated his suggestion.

The tips of Dirk’s ears looked a little red when Todd pulled back. Biting his lip, Dirk scanned his cards, taking slightly too long to pick out the ones Todd had recommended. He put them down with a satisfied ‘aha’ and directed a grin at Todd.

Todd returned his smile, shoving more chips into his mouth in an attempt to stop the blush creeping onto his own cheeks.

 

He was pretty certain by now that he wasn’t going to get over his dumb crush any time soon.

If he just let it be, did nothing about it, eventually it would pass. Probably. But there was still the lingering worry that maybe he _should_ do something about it. If he could just tell him, the ball would be in Dirk’s court, and Dirk would make a decision on how to react and it would all be sorted. He was pretty sure Dirk would still be his friend even if he did tell him, but maybe there was too much at stake. Todd liked the casually affectionate dynamic they had fallen into. He couldn’t just tear that apart by making things awkward between them.

He thought all of this through as he listened to the tinny sounds of singing through the speakers in the dressing room. It wasn’t great quality, just enough to make out cues to head to the stage, but he was pretty sure Dirk’s singing would sound good through any medium.

Between classes, the shows – which had officially begun tonight, and Todd had not enjoyed his glimpse of the audience as he had positioned himself for the first number but had quickly realised that ignoring them was the best way to go – and trying to appease his bandmates without ripping apart the band, in between musical numbers was the only chance Todd had to relax. His relaxing time, however, had mostly been filled with thoughts of Dirk. He was usually on stage, or rushing to get ready to be on stage. Todd hadn’t seen nearly enough of him since the tech rehearsal.

Sure, it was only two nights ago. But it was still a shame.

He leaned back against the wall, sighing loudly enough to draw the attention of a few other guys in the dressing room. None of them said anything. Good. He was content to just sit on the floor in silence, waiting for Dirk to come back, trying to figure out what he should do about him before he was next needed on stage.

 

Dirk wobbled his way into the dressing room at the start of the interval, stumbling a little – Todd hurried to catch him. “Woah!” He held his arm until Dirk steadied himself, blinking at Todd. “What’s wrong, are you alright?”

“I’m just exhausted,” Dirk said, stepping to the side just enough to grab his water bottle from a table. “I’m fine, really.”

“You do look exhausted. How much sleep did you get?”

Dirk’s face creased into a miniscule frown. Quietly, he said, “Not a lot, I don’t think. I was worried about acting today, with…” His gaze slid over to Friedkin, laughing loudly in the far corner with a few others, and Todd understood what Dirk meant.

He dropped his voice to a whisper, too. “Listen, are you sure you don’t want to report him? The show will be fine, I’m sure. Your safety is more important…” He trailed off. Dirk was already shaking his head.

“I can’t,” He repeated. “I did… tell some other people though. I told Farah and Amanda.”

“Good. That’s… good.” Todd was beginning to feel helpless again. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Dirk looked a little bemused. “Why? Just being here is fine.” He swallowed the last of his water, paused, and held the bottle out to Todd. “Although if you really want to help, you could get me some more water while I change.”

Todd huffed a laugh and took the bottle, disappearing out of the room.

 

When he returned, the first thing he saw was the fear on Dirk’s face.

Friedkin must have been approaching him; he had stopped a few paces away, smirking directly at Dirk. “Come on, man, I just wanted to talk about the show. What, don’t you want to talk to me?”

Barely hesitating, Todd stepped in front of Dirk, facing Friedkin. “Does that surprise you?”

Friedkin looked confused.  Over his shoulder, Dirk said his name softly, though not in warning – more in gratitude. Todd went on.

“You’ve been nothing but an ass to him from the start. Why should he bother talking to you?”

With a shrug, Friedkin said, “He’s fine acting with me.”

“No.” Todd shook his head. He stepped forward, stopped only by Dirk’s hand on his arm. “He puts up with you because he’s a damn good actor. And he doesn’t deserve to be put through all this shit just because you don’t give a shit about anything.”

“Todd,” Dirk said again, pulling him back gently. “Why don’t we get some air?” He took the water bottle from his hand and opened the door, looking a lot calmer now than before. Todd cast one last glare at Friedkin and followed him.

They walked down the corridor for a few seconds in silence before Dirk said, “It _was_ getting warm in there.”

The tension began to drain from Todd. “I hate that guy,” He muttered, kicking a door open. Dirk’s eyes widened and he shot forward to catch the door before it swung back on them, holding it for Todd to pass through. It took them outside, fresh air ebbing away more of his anger. Sighing, he leaned against the brick wall and looked at Dirk as he joined him.

“Thank you,” Dirk smiled down at him. “I appreciate your help. Nobody’s ever done that for me before.”

Todd shrugged, embarrassment creeping in. “I just… I don’t want him anywhere near you.”

Turning slightly to face him, Dirk said, “It’s just until the end of the week. Then I don’t have to deal with him again. But until then please try not to fight him. I… don’t want you to get hurt.” He dropped his gaze, seeming suddenly quieter.

“I’ll try,” He said, feeling his lips quirk into a smile. “But if you need me to beat him up for you, I’m ready and willing.”

 

Really, he wasn’t supposed to hang around the stage when he wasn't on for another while. But Dirk was on, and Todd couldn't hear well through the dressing room’s low quality speakers. He had accepted his fate of being unable to listen for the first few shows, but by the second to last performance, the Thursday night show, he was aware he was running out of time to appreciate Dirk’s voice. It wasn't like he would be disruptive on his own, anyway.

Dirk had a costume change ready and waiting just on the other side of the stage doors; Todd had seen it as he passed, Dirk’s character changing from school uniform to everyday clothes. He closed the door quietly behind him, tucking himself against a wall and listening.

Dirk’s voice was no less beautiful now than it had been all those months ago, back when Todd barely knew him. Back when things were simpler between them. Todd bit back a laugh. He couldn't entertain the idea of their relationship being simple for too long, now.

At this point, he had to admit to himself that he had a crush the size of Alaska. It was kind of impossible to deny. Briefly, he wondered how he had let this get so far without even noticing. He was definitely well and truly fucked.

His train of thought was interrupted by the end of the song, as Dirk barrelled backstage. He shot him a wide eyed smile in passing, already pulling at his tie hurriedly. Todd followed him out the door.

He hesitated a moment before turning to go back to the dressing room. He should let Dirk change in peace, obviously. But just as he was leaving, Dirk made a slightly distressed noise.

Maybe he was just stressing over the show, but it gave Todd pause anyway. “Are you okay?”

Dirk whirled around, fumbling with his tie, which Todd could now see was pulled into an awkward knot. “Could you…?” Finally giving up, he gestured helplessly to the tie.

“Sure.” Todd stepped forward, pulling Dirk lightly towards him by the tie as he focused on undoing it. Dirk snickered a little, and when Todd gave him a questioning look, he grinned sheepishly at him.

“You look very intensely concentrated. Tongue poking out and everything. It's…” He glanced thoughtfully off to the ceiling, “I was going to say cute? Maybe that's not quite the right word… or maybe it is?” He seemed to be talking mostly to himself now. Todd, having untied the knot, tugged on both ends of the tie to bring Dirk’s attention back to him.

It occurred to him then how close they were standing, as he was suddenly met with bright eyes dangerously close to his face. His breath caught, hands lingering on the tie, some part of him tempted to just pull Dirk in that little bit further.

He slid his hands down the fabric, releasing it and patting Dirk’s chest. “There. Done.”

To his surprise, Dirk pulled him into a hug. “Thank you, Todd,” He said in his ear.

“You know you're supposed to be doing a full costume change,” Todd laughed. He had just enough time to return the hug before Dirk pulled back swiftly, eyes wide.

“Oh, shit.”

He went back to work swiftly, leaving Todd with nothing to do but cross into the dressing rooms.

Todd didn't exactly appreciate the whirlwind of feelings Dirk had left him with, but he couldn't complain.


	8. Chapter 8

“Todd,” Amanda caught his arm as he passed her after curtains. She looked out of breath, ragged and bordering on distressed. “Friedkin’s been suspended.”

It took him a moment to realise why she was telling him this. Then everything clicked at once. _“What?_ Because of what he did to Dirk? _Shit_. There’s still a show left.” Amanda was nodding at him vigorously, clearly waiting for him to continue. “Am I standing in?”

“There we go, he got it,” Amanda gave him a triumphant clap, but show stress made it seem much more half-hearted than usual. “The teachers pulled him aside just after curtains. They told me to find you. And Dirk’s freaking out, because he thinks it’s his fault…”

“Amanda, I can’t do this,” Todd clenched his fists by his side. “I can’t act with Dirk like that.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Like what, romantically? It’s acting, Todd, and Dirk knows that. You need to get it through your head before tomorrow night.”

“Tomorrow night,” He repeated blankly. “Oh, god, we haven’t even rehearsed properly. With the… you know, the kiss and stuff.”

“Well, go!” She waved him off, “Go find him! He’s with Farah, probably panicking in a dressing room! Sort something out!”

 

He found Dirk, face taught with worry, kicking his heels against the desk he sat on while Farah spoke too quietly for him to overhear. Todd hovered in the doorway until Dirk noticed him; as soon as their gazes met, he cried out his name and hopped down from the desk. “Todd! I’m so sorry.” He looked a little confused at the words that had left his own mouth, as though he hadn’t really intended to say them.

Farah’s eyes had narrowed slightly, contemplative as she glanced between them. After a moment, she turned to leave. Todd stepped aside to let her pass. “What are you apologising for?”

“I- Well, I- Friedkin was suspended because of _me_ ,” Dirk said as if it was obvious. He stepped forwards, until he was standing right in front of Todd. “I didn’t mean to- to affect the show, I never wanted to-“

Todd remembered hearing a similar line from him, back when he heard him talking to Farah in an empty classroom. He tried not to let it sting him again. “Hey, it’s not your fault. He threatened you, Dirk, he doesn’t deserve to be anywhere near you.”

Dirk didn’t look convinced, teeth pulling at his bottom lip, but he nodded anyway. “You’re alright to do tomorrow’s show? I mean, we don’t have any other option, but…”

“Yeah. Yeah, I know the lines and everything. But we haven’t, uh…” He gestured between them. If it had been hard to say to Amanda, it was impossible to say directly to Dirk.

He seemed to understand anyway. “Right. Yes. Of course.” He averted his gaze, sheepishly staring at the floor. “I can talk to some teachers and get you out of class tomorrow morning for a run through?”

“Just-” Todd faltered, “Just the two of us?”

A little too quickly, Dirk shook his head. “No, we’ll need the whole cast. But I don’t know if the teachers would be pleased to lose so many pupils for so long… we could go over our scenes without the others? Um. If you want to.”

“Yeah. Sure, that sounds…” He trailed off, hesitating, “Helpful.”

“Great!” Dirk lifted a hand to pat his shoulder, thought better of it and waved instead. “I’ll see you first thing tomorrow by the stage.”

Dirk waited for him to nod his agreement before nodding, satisfied, and hurrying to the door. “Dirk,” Todd called after him. When Dirk looked back, he quirked an eyebrow and smiled softly. “Try and get at least some sleep tonight. Don’t make yourself sick worrying. You did everything right.”

He saw his eyes widen, and worried he had said the wrong thing. But the expression on Dirk’s face wasn’t upset; it was a whole range of emotions, hard to decipher, at the very least surprised but heartened. “Thank you, Todd.”

 

When he arrived backstage the next morning, Dirk wasn’t there, though his yellow jacket was thrown over his satchel on the floor. _He must be nearby,_ Todd thought.

He peeked out from the curtains to check the auditorium and found Dirk sitting on the edge of the stage in full costume. His back was to Todd, and he didn’t turn around. Todd ducked backstage, dumped his things beside Dirk’s and quickly changed into his own costume.

Dirk still didn’t seem to notice his presence even when he re-emerged. Todd couldn’t see his face, but he could see the tenseness of his muscles, his fingers drumming against the stage. Nerves poured off him in waves, which only amped up Todd’s own anxieties.

The stage was warm, flooded with white light. The stage lights were the only source of light on in the auditorium; Dirk stared out over rows of chairs into darkness. Todd walked over to him, clearing his throat.

He jumped, head snapping round to meet Todd’s eyes. “Oh! It’s you. I didn’t notice you. Should we...?”

“In a minute,” Todd said. He sat down beside him, feeling Dirk’s gaze on him as he swung his legs over the side. “What are you doing?”

Dirk hummed. “I’ve just been thinking.”

Glancing sideways at him, Todd asked, “About Friedkin?”

“No,” Dirk said. “Well, partially. Well, yes. But not _just_ Friedkin.” He pulled at the knee of his trousers, suddenly very interested in the fabric. “Other things too.”

“Like what?”

Very carefully avoiding his eyes, Dirk glanced up sharply. “We should probably get started soon. I’ll sort the lights!” He hopped down from the stage and wove his way through the chairs to the lighting controls at the back of the room.

Dirk was a good actor when it came to the stage, but not so much when it came to himself.

Todd waited while he fiddled with the controls, lights dimming to near blackout before Dirk managed to find the right spotlight. When he finally hurried back over to the stage, Todd stood. He held out a hand to Dirk, which Dirk blinked rapidly at until realising it was intended to help him up.

He looked to Todd’s face, and then back to his hand, before he finally took it. Todd hauled him onto the stage; he was heavier than expected, and stumbled a little as he went, ending up far too close to Todd.

With a brief, awkward laugh, he stepped back, letting his hand drop. “Right. Let’s, uh… get started?”

Todd was aware even as he acted that he wasn’t putting in enough effort. Then again, neither was Dirk. That was particularly strange for him – he was always so enthusiastic. Todd wondered what had changed. He decided it must be Friedkin-related.

He was also aware as he acted that the kiss was fast approaching.

Dirk’s cheeks were bright red, maybe due to the heat of the spotlight they now stood under. They were supposed to be building up to the kiss at this point, he knew, drifting towards each other until they would meet in the centre of the spotlight.

With every line of the song, Todd reminded himself that he had to do this. God, he wanted to kiss Dirk so badly, but he was afraid of what would happen. Dirk didn’t like him. He was just a friend. And every step forwards had their friendship balanced even more precariously on the edge of _something_.

Todd took the final step in perfect time with Dirk. He lifted his hands, meaning to lay them on Dirk’s arms – and stopped abruptly.

Fear spiked in his chest. “I-I can’t- I’m sorry, Dirk.” He ran a hand over his own face. Between his fingers, he saw Dirk’s expression change, confusion to hurt to some strong resolution. Dropping his hand to his side, he went on, “It’s not you, I just can’t… Fuck-”

“Oh, for goodness sake,” Dirk murmured, then grabbed him by his jacket and kissed him.

It lasted barely a few seconds, Dirk’s lips pressed ardently to his, Todd drawn in by his fists in the front of the varsity jacket. He couldn’t move. His mind yelled at him to do something, to react somehow, but he stayed frozen until Dirk straightened and stepped back.

Dirk looked anxious, gaze flitting around the stage. “There,” He said, clearly trying to play it cool, “Now we’ve done it, it won’t be as big a deal next time, so we can rehearse again…” He looked at Todd, taking in his gaping mouth and wide eyes, probably able to hear Todd’s brain short-circuiting. He at least looked concerned about it. “Todd?”

“Yes. Uh. Yeah. That’s – cool. Great. Um, yeah.”

Dirk’s brow furrowed slightly. He drew in a wheezy breath. “Give me a moment.” With that he hurried off backstage, hand coming up to press over his mouth just before he disappeared.

Todd wanted to call his name, chase after him. He wanted a redo of the kiss – he hadn’t even reacted. But Dirk had kissed him because he was a dedicated actor, not because he wanted to.

He stood there under the spotlight for some length of time before he forced his muscles to untense. His nails had dug half-moons into his palms. He hadn’t even noticed, entirely unable to think. With a sigh, he sat down on the edge of the stage again, kicking the wood sharply.

Dirk returned after a while as if nothing had happened. Todd was content to pretend that was true.

 

Even Amanda’s series of texts couldn’t calm his growing nerves as the clock ticked down to the beginning of the show. It was worse than opening night, now that his role was considerably bigger. And to make matters even more difficult for him, his mind kept straying back to that morning’s rehearsal. He would need to pull himself together before the show.

He had to kiss Dirk again – three times, in character, and then it was over.

He lingered backstage in costume to watch the opening number, breathing deeply to calm his racing heart. The more he watched, the more he could relax into the musical. He had played with the band in front of audiences before – this was no different. Or, well, it was. The audience was far bigger than anything he’d played before, but he had learned to ignore them over the past few nights. And there was also the romance issue.

His first number arrived, and with it the first kiss. He reminded himself repeatedly that he was not Todd Brotzman on this stage, and Dirk was not Dirk Gently. They were their characters, nothing more. So when Todd leaned up and pressed his lips to Dirk’s, only hesitating briefly as he remembered the audience’s presence and pushed the thought aside, it wasn’t him kissing Dirk. It was Jason McConnell kissing Peter Simmonds.

By the time the second kissing scene arrived, he thought he had accepted this. He kissed Dirk without hesitation, and Dirk kissed him back, a far softer kiss than anything he’d had before. They were sat side by side, Todd’s heart skipping, reminding him of many times they’d been in this exact position – only without the kissing. But back then they hadn’t been acting. This, right now, was acting.

During the third and final kiss, with emotions running high among the characters, Dirk twisted a hand into his hair and Todd’s already weak resolve finally cracked. They were still their characters. It still wasn’t a real kiss, he told himself. But the more Dirk’s lips moved against his, the more his thumb stroked over his cheekbone, the more Todd knew this was what he wanted.

He didn’t want to kiss him as Jason and Peter. He wanted to kiss him as Dirk Gently and Todd Brotzman. And the only way he could do that was to take action.

It was slightly surprising that he made it through his final scene in character after that realisation

All the was left to do was to re-join the cast on stage for the bows. He and Dirk would be the last ones to bow – he waited backstage, watching Dirk on the opposite side of the stage, until there was nobody left waiting with him. Dirk gave him a warm grin as they met in the middle and walked together to the front of the stage, taking their bows.

It was the first time Todd had really seen the audience, but it was too late to panic now. It was over – he had made it to the end. Beside him, Dirk bumped his hand against his and then laced their fingers together to take a second bow.

They walked backwards hand in hand, the curtains falling slowly in front of them. Todd glanced sideways at Dirk, affection growing in his chest, and Dirk reflected his fond expression just as the curtains blocked the audience’s view.

Dirk’s face broke into a grin as soon as the curtain touched the stage. “We did it!” He said, pulling Todd into a one-armed hug. When he stepped back, releasing his hand at the same time, the rest of the cast had begun to leave the stage.

Hesitating a moment with his gaze locked with Dirk’s, Todd eventually started to follow.

Dirk touched his arm lightly, Todd pausing to look at him. He lead him to the side of the stage, tucking himself behind a set piece. Todd gave him a bemused look but joined him anyway, stomach flipping at their proximity.

“I just wanted to congratulate you,” Dirk said, “And also thank you. I really enjoyed doing the show with you. You were great, like, _really_ great. Very convincing acting. And it was much easier to work with you than with Friedkin. Even for the... You know, the kissing parts and stuff.” He looked nervous, fidgeting, as if he was trying to say something that just wasn’t quite coming across.

The adrenaline of the performance hadn't quite left Todd. He saw the opportunity, and he had to take it; if he didn’t now, he might never at all.

“Dirk,” He said, and brought his hands to Dirk’s hips, lightly enough to let him pull away. He didn’t. He took a small step backwards just enough to lean carefully on the scenery flat, his face betraying both panic and anticipation as he ran his fingers up Todd’s arms.

“What are you doing?” Dirk said. Todd answered by kissing him – just once, just softly, pulling back just enough to look at him expectantly.

Dirk’s breath hitched. His lips moved, forming silent words as he tried to fathom what had happened. Todd gave a fond laugh. “I like you, you idiot. I have done for ages.”

“Well why didn't you say so before?”

“Because I didn't think you liked me,” He said. Now that he had made his move, he was beginning to come to his senses and worry he was about to regret it. He tried to step back, but Dirk tightened his grip, scoffing.

“And Farah said I wasn’t exactly subtle. Take that, Farah.”

He leaned down and kissed him softly, briefly, a mirror of the way Todd had kissed him. “Is this okay?” He murmured. With a quick nod, Todd chased his lips, catching them again with his own. Dirk’s hands slid over his back, pulling him closer; Todd stepped forwards to lean them against the flat and deepened the kiss.

“Todd?” Dirk said against his lips, shifting so he could draw away. Short of breath, he gasped, “Todd, Todd the flat isn't exactly-”

Before he could finish, the flat had toppled to the floor, Dirk and Todd with it.

Pushing himself onto his hands and knees with a groan, Todd hovered over Dirk, looking down at him with part concern, part incredulity. “Did that – did that really just happen? I mean, are you okay?”

“I'm wonderful,” Dirk said. His tongue snaked out to wet his lips, eyes flickering to Todd’s chest, and only then did he register that he had Dirk caged beneath him. As he made to move away Dirk grabbed his shirt, pulling him back down and meeting him halfway in another kiss.

He laughed when he pulled away, struggling to sit up, and then Todd was laughing too. His nose brushed Dirk’s as he pressed one more chaste kiss to his lips, cutting him off mid-giggle. He opened his eyes, and almost had to close them again at the emotion he saw reflected in Dirk’s eyes.

“We should maybe… fix the set,” He suggested, though he wasn't sure his legs would be steady enough to stand.

“Right. Of course. Although it's not like we need it anymore.” He looked pensive for a moment, accepting Todd’s hand to pull him to his feet. “Todd, are you going to the afterparty?”

Todd shrugged. He hadn't planned on going – it wasn't so much an afterparty as a kid in the chorus whose parents were out of town – but if Dirk was inviting him…

“Yeah, sure. If you're gonna be there.”

Dirk barely suppressed a beam, giving him a smile and a nod instead. “Excellent. I'll be there.”

 

Todd wasn’t sure how much Dirk had drunk, but it was clearly verging on too much. He was reclined on the sofa across from Farah, face flushed, a hand lifted to his mouth as he giggled. As Todd approached, Dirk glanced up at him, eyes widening, and chimed, “Hiiii!” He shuffled over to make room for him, and Todd took a seat beside him.

As soon as he was settled, Dirk laid his head on his shoulder. Farah raised an eyebrow. “Did you two finally sort yourselves out, then?”

“Sort ourselves out?” Todd questioned. It took him a moment to realise what she meant. “Oh. Uh. I guess…?” He cast a glance down at Dirk, hesitant to jump to conclusions.

“Todd was so enthusiastic we knocked over a flat,” Dirk laughed. Farah looked puzzled as she tried to piece together what had happened.

“Uh, he means yes.” Todd lowered his voice, admitting, “I kissed him.”

Farah nodded with a soft smile. “And wrecked the set in the process? Good thing the show’s over already.”

As Todd chuckled, Dirk patted his hand, picking it up and sliding their fingers together. “How much had he had to drink?” Todd asked Farah, who shrugged helplessly.

“Did it finally happen?” Amanda threw herself down beside Farah, leaning towards Todd and Dirk excitedly. Todd opened his mouth to answer, but only managed a ‘well’ before she barrelled on, “You know, I could hear the audience from the lighting box after the show. They were impressed with you, Todd.”

“Really?” He said. He hadn’t expected any kind of compliments on his acting skills, which hadn’t existed at all until the start of this show.

Amanda smirked, tucking her legs under her. “Uh-huh. The main couple were very convincing, they said. Like they didn’t even have to pretend they were in love.” She wiggled her eyebrows.

Todd scoffed, but couldn’t think of any way to deny it. “That’s maybe… a strong word?” He tried, unconvincingly. Dirk laughed and buried his face in Todd’s neck, pressing a soft kiss to his skin which set his stomach flipping.

Maybe it was a strong word for now. But he did like Dirk – he _really_ liked him – and maybe it would be nice to see where this road would take him. Maybe someday it would be the most fitting word for his feelings after all.


End file.
